


Falling Slowly

by MelissaMotown



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 22:19:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4852643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelissaMotown/pseuds/MelissaMotown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Chris’ world guys like Darren are like tornadoes; such a fascinating force of nature and so beautiful that you constantly want to get closer. </p><p>But eventually you have to turn around and walk away, or else you will be sucked in and lost forever.</p><p>Six weeks of summer class in college turns out to challenge everything Chris believes in as he hesitantly walks strait into the tornado.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Some Things Never Change

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first participation in a CrissColfer Big Bang and it's my second CrissColfer story. I love writing Klaine, but CrissColfer will always be closer to my heart. 
> 
> For this CCBB I was paired with Sara, freefallinfromdreams, and I'm truly grateful for our corporation. Sara has made a poster and a playlist for the story and it has been such a treat to see her bring my story to life. I really love what she's created. So make sure you go and check her stuff out. There's another very special person who has helped me, like she always does. A big thank you to Lynne, stopandimaginelove, who is willing to beta read my stories no matter what I'm up to <3
> 
> This is a CrissColfer AU - but not too far from home. I hope you will enjoy the ride.

 

“So are you ready for this summer-workshop-thingy or whatever it’s called?" Michael asked and bumped Chris’ shoulder as they were getting in line for their nametags.

 

“If it’s just a _thingy_ for you then why waste 6 weeks of the holiday,” Chris asked with a lopsided grin. He and Michael had been friends through most of college. They were both majoring in creative writing and a wise professor of theirs had suggested an acting summer class to sharpen up their dialogues for screenplay writing.

 

After barely surviving high school, college had been a haven for Chris. He was free to do what he loved most, he had managed to get a few close friends and his social skills had improved from _not existing_ , to being _almost normal_ with a twist of _don’t get too close_. He and Michael were opposites. Michael was chubby, lazy and blowing with the wind, while Chris was lean, focused and planning every step of his career in details. But Michael was funny to hang out with and Chris didn’t have to pretend to be someone he wasn’t when they were together. They had decided to do at least one project together throughout summer class. They wanted to write something sketchy, like Saturday Night Live, but with pretend celebrities, playing all the parts themselves. That would for sure require all the dialogue and timing they could squeeze out of their funny brains.

 

With nametags securely attached to their t-shirts, the two friends entered the auditorium that would be their home base for the next 6 weeks. It was a big room with rows of seats leveled from the floor, up to the ceiling. Centered on the floor was a podium like in most auditoriums, but behind the podium was a huge theater curtain that revealed a stage, big enough for performances and smaller plays. A part of Chris squirmed by the thought of being forced to interact with so many people he didn’t know, but he had decided to take things slowly. No one could force him to bare his soul and he wasn’t going to attempt to either. He had learned to come far with a snarky attitude, wrapped up nicely in funny remarks to sooth the sting.

 

Voices were buzzing with excitement all around them when he and Michael found two seats in the second row. Forty students had been accepted to the Actors Summer Class. Some Chris had seen before around campus, while others were unknown.

 

“Welcome to Actors Summer Class,” a middle aged, square cut woman said from the podium. She was so thrilled to have the opportunity to mold young open minds in the arts that her earrings bounced underneath her orange, curly hair. She was dressed comfortably, ready to move around - and was most likely going for a dramatic expression; without quite getting there. Chris could definitely write something funny based on her.

 

“I’m Mrs. Nolan and I will be your teacher on this magical ride we’re doing together,” the woman chirped on. “A lot of you will be challenged on this journey, maybe even faced with a demon or two. But I promise that it will open your eyes to the many possibilities acting and performing have to offer. I have only _one_ rule.” She paused dramatically to get their undivided attention, “It’s not an option to say _no_.” The teacher looked around with highly raised eyebrows expecting a reaction. When she didn’t get any - because honestly, who would be stupid enough to say _no_ at this very moment - she continued with a lofty voice. “In this very room, this proud auditorium, this defined space, we can all trust each other. And keep in mind that everyone is doing their best, whether they have a lot of experience or are mere novices in the art of performing and acting.”

 

Michael chuckled underneath his hand. “I could seriously imitate her spot on. I wouldn’t say no to _that_ challenge.”

 

Chris shook his head and with a stern look on his face he kept a laugh in check. He was not jumping on any of Michael’s rides now, experience had taught him that once he was there, he would never come back from a solid giggle attack. But even with the eccentricities of Mrs. Nolan and the uncertainty of what the next weeks would bring, he felt fairly optimistic about his choice to spend the summer holiday in this _defined, proud_ auditorium.

 

Besides the mandatory presentation, the first two lessons included a few well known theater exercises, nothing too fancy, but still pretty funny, and a body warm-up. Tight jeans were hardly the proper outfit for stretching or feeling your _inner flower_ breathe, as Mrs. Nolan called it, but Chris refused to jump around in sweatpants every day. Not even if it meant that his _inner flower_ was gasping for air, as Michael gravely pointed out - god bless his crazy soul.

 

They all had lunch in the main dining hall of the college together with students from other summer classes. It was less crowded than during a semester, but enough people to make the place feel alive.

 

“Now don’t look to your right, Colfer,” Michael whispered from across the table when they had put down their trays, “but there’s a guy checking you out, three o’clock.” Chris looked up, curiously. “Damn it man, what part of “don’t look” didn’t you get?” Michael asked with slouching shoulders and a french fry hanging between his fingers.

 

”Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chris said and let his eyes wander to determine who was most three o’clock. 

 

“The dude with the dark curly hair and the cute smile.”

 

“Don’t say cute about a guy, Mike, it doesn’t suit you,” Chris reprimanded squinting before looking again. Then he realized who Michael was talking about. “Okay that’s ridiculous!”

 

“What do you mean?” Michael asked.

 

“That’s Darren Criss.”

 

“Never heard of him.”

 

“That’s because you despise musical theater.”

 

“I don’t despise it, I just think it’s weird,” Michael said in self defense. “All that singing out of nowhere. Singing is for concerts and showers, acting is for theater and movies. End of story.”

 

“Never mind, Darren is a legend in the theater department.”

 

“Because?”

 

“Because he is freaking talented; triple threat and all!”

 

“Triple what?”

 

Chris sighed deeply, not sure how Michael could be his best friend and not know things like this. “He can sing, dance and act. I can’t believe I have to tell you this stuff.”

 

“Hey I’m a writer, not a theater geek.” Michael folded his arms over his chest. “Besides, Triple T or whatever, he was still checking you out.”

 

Chris grimaced. “The guy has more chicks on his plate than he can possibly handle, okay.”

 

“So, what are you saying, a lot a girlfriends?”

 

Chris paused, suddenly not sure how to answer. Darren always seemed to be surrounded by girls, not _only_ girls, but still. That was no crime in itself and now that he got to think about it, he had never seen him in intimate situations with a girl. “Not necessarily,” he admitted and chewed on a bite of his sandwich, “just a lot of female fans.” Darren suddenly caught his stare and smiled, which made Chris swallow his bite before he had finished chewing it, just to smile back. He coughed embarrassedly and grabbed something to drink. 

 

“Of course there'll be fans! If he’s Triple T and good looking at the same time, he’s bound to have screaming girls following his every step. But it doesn’t mean he couldn’t check you out.”

 

This was getting tiring. “Mike, haven’t you spotted a cute girl who deserves a treat of your Michelangelo charm? This topic is dead as it will ever be.”

 

“Don’t say cute about a girl! It doesn’t suit you,” Michael gave back before he left.

 

Chris laughed to himself as he watched his friend approach a pretty, blonde girl, one of those who had been drooling over Darren. Some things never change. Michael would always go for girls out of his league and guys like Darren would never check out guys like Chris.

 

* * *

 

After a couple of days Chris felt quite at ease in class and he soon learned that he had a lot to offer even though he hadn’t acted for a long time. Theater sport was a blast because his brain worked so brilliantly under pressure and ideas came popping as if they had been stored for ages.

 

“Today, dear students, we are going to play a little game called: _It is with most regret_ ," Mrs. Nolan said with a big lipstick smile on the fourth day. “The rule is quite simple. You get up here by turn to produce some kind of performance, a documentary, a speech, a song, a quiz; the possibilities are endless. But in your performance you _must_ use the words “ _It is with most regret_.”

 

Chris’ head was spinning already with at least three ideas. No one knew when they would be picked, but when Chris was chosen as the third participant, he was beyond ready. He stepped into the middle of the circle, altering everything about his body language and overall demeanor on his way. He lifted his chin and collected his feet, making small steps as he obviously handled an invisible lady’s purse hanging from the crook of his elbow. He mastered a superior facial expression as if he was born with it. Muffled laughs were heard before he had uttered a single word. "It is with most regret I have to inform the British people, my peasants, that I haven't received a call back for the part on Downton Abbey as Lady Graham’s beloved, yet rather silly sister." Everyone in the auditorium burst out laughing and it didn’t make things better that Chris just stared at them blank faced without losing a beat. His British accent was over the top and not a single soul in the room questioned that they were facing her royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the 2nd.

 

"It’s quite obvious that some people can’t spot a god given talent even if it was shoved up their noses. Well, I suppose it’s their loss and I will not waste a single moment on that ridiculous show. It wasn’t very good, after all." Chris turned on the spot and returned to his seat with small queen sized steps and didn't break character before he faced his audience again with a smile. Darren happened to sit across from him and he was still laughing as his warm eyes paid Chris respect. Chris shrugged innocently when he looked back - but a rush of joy twirled inside of him. It felt amazing to impress someone as talented as Darren.

 

Two participants later it was Darren’s turn and Chris waited in anticipation, ready to give the applause back. To his surprise Darren strode directly towards him and asked if he could borrow the program he had been fiddling absentmindedly with. Chris gave it up willingly a bit puzzled. Back at the center of the circle Darren unfolded the paper and examined it gravely. Then he looked up, corrected a make believe tie and grabbed an empty bottle of water that he somehow had fit into his back pocket.  "Good evening," he said into the bottle, mastering a distinguished British accent. "This is BBC News reporting live from London with a special broadcast due to some highly disturbing news. It is with utmost regret I have to inform you that her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the 2nd. has gone missing." Chris pressed his lips together, trying to conceal a smile. "She was last seen leaving Buckingham Palace on a horse a few hours ago with a rather determined expression on her royal face, carrying her beloved lady’s purse around her royal arm," Darren continued.

 

Chris bubbled with laughter. It was rare to meet someone who that easily could tap into his ideas and mindset.

 

"Prince Charles was the first one to be informed about the dreadful situation. He says - and I quote - _don’t worry, she’ll be home by tea time_.” The reporter now paused and pressed two fingers against his ear as he received news from his producer. His somber appearance changed to bewilderment before he looked straight into the camera and cleared his throat. “I have been told that the Queen has been found. Someone spotted her … running around the proud halls of Highclere Castle where … Downton Abbey appears to be filming at the moment. Eyewitnesses report that they heard the Queen yelling, and I quote again - _I can be the new Mr. Bates_.”

 

The entire room roared with laughter now and Chris was no exception. Besides the undisputed fact that the guy was ridiculously funny, Chris was really impressed. Not only had Darren picked up his story, but knowing about Highclere Castle was for dorks only; a passion he shared with very few. When the laughter was reduced to happy sighs Darren went back to Chris and with a teasing look in his warm eyes he said: “I believe this was yours.”

 

 


	2. Lunch Unexpected

 

Chris didn’t recall being a hardworking student back in middle school or high school, but his work ethic in college was impressive ... or ridiculous if anyone should ask Michael. Besides all his schoolwork, lessons and assignments he always had personal projects going on; a book, idea’s for a different high school movie, and a play. But at the moment he was devoting all his time to a spec script for a TV show he loved. This would be the official way to get a network’s attention and if he was brilliant enough they would remember him and maybe offer him a spot on a writer’s team. On top of that he had a weekly session with a private tutor, the eminent and highly respected, Mrs. Judy Gabriel. She was an older retired professor and a brilliant author. Her sharp tongue and her wit had made Chris love her to bits and pieces. She gave him assignments and feedback with brutal honesty. He usually managed it all, but with the summer class taking up most of his daytime he was getting behind schedule and the only way he could catch up, was spending the one hour lunch break writing. So he stayed back at the auditorium when everyone else was hanging out in the dining hall.

He could write anywhere once he had tapped into his creative mindset and he had a way of shutting out the real world and disappear into this beloved universe, formed by words and sentences. Sitting on the floor with his back against the wall he was so lost in his work that he didn’t hear someone entering the auditorium before a voice startled him from above. 

“Can I sit here?”

Chris looked up confused and was met by Darren’s playful eyes. “Um sure,” he stuttered, needing a moment to return to the real world around him. “But wouldn’t you rather eat lunch at one of the tables?” he asked when he saw the sandwiches in Darren’s hand.

Darren squatted down and landed his butt on the floor, careful not to spill any juice from the bottle in his other hand. “Nope, I eat just as well sitting on the floor. And maybe I should ask you the same question.”

“Well, I guess the lack of a couch made me go for floor instead,” Chris replied.

“Are you hungry?” Darren asked and offered the extra sandwich.

“No, thank you,” Chris said with a smile.

“Look, I know you’re busy,” Darren said hurriedly, “and I promise not to take up too much of your time I just …,” he paused, “I just thought it would be nice to talk to you.”

Chris’ stomach rumbled traitorously and he blushed when Darren pushed the extra sandwich his way with a small smile. Chris took the sandwich before he closed his laptop. “I have too much on my plate anyway, so maybe I should give it a break.”

Darren looked like he had won the lotto when Chris took a bite of the sandwich. “I didn’t know you spoke Queenish fluently, by the way.”

“I’m a big fan, what can I say?”

“Have you ever met her?”

Chris rolled his eyes just thinking about it. “God no, I would embarrass myself completely in the most unforgiving way. It’s safest for everyone that I just admire her … from a distance, you know.” Darren giggled and Chris continued. “But I have to admit that your BBC stunt took the prize yesterday”.

“Who's counting?”

“I’m not,” Chris stated, “at least not until it’s in my favor.” Darren smirked and Chris instantly knew that they would keep score from now on.

“You’re an awesome improviser. Are you an actor, too?” Darren asked.

“No, not really. I’ve done some plays for the fun of it when I was younger, but for now it’s all about writing. How about you? You hardly need acting lessons; why summer class?”

Darren shrugged. “There’s always more, you know and besides, I need the credit. I did Aladdin with a local theater in the spring and missed out on a lot of lessons. So this is a way of catching up and I think it’s funny. I’m a theater geek for better or worse, can’t live without it,” he chuckled, “not even for a summer apparently” He looked curiously at Chris. “I didn’t expect writers to be here either.”

“We write plays as well as a bunch of other stuff. To me these weeks are about writing dialogue. Apparently I have tendency to write lines that’s classified as tongue tying rubbish, which some actors seem to have a problem with.”

“Ah, fucking pretentious actors, right?”

“I know, what’s the matter with them!! Anyway, Michael and I are planning to write and perform something stand up’ish for the workshops. Either to prove actors are whiners or to accept that our writing has to be better.”

“That’s going to be so awesome,” Darren answered thrilled.

“Do you have anything planned for the workshop week?”

“I do. I’m already working on it with a couple of the girls from the Musical line.” He tilted his head and squinted thoughtfully. “Maybe I could get you to take a look at the lyrics? I keep getting stuck on the second verse. The melody is finished and harmonized, but I don’t quite know where to take it lyric-wise, you know.” He huffed out a laugh. “I tend to write the way I think, which is all over the place, and that get’s corny from time to time.”

“What’s wrong with corny?”

“Corny is funny when I’m just messing with my guitar, writing stupid stuff, but … this specific song has more potential than that. It wants to get out there and make a difference.”

“I didn’t know you were a songwriter, too," Chris said. 

Darren wiped his mouth after finishing up his sandwich. “I’m … fuck … I don’t know what I am. I write songs because it’s funny and because they are in my head anyway. I sing .. because too many feelings would get stuck in my head and I would drive my friends insane otherwise.” He hummed. “I’m probably driving them nuts anyway now that I get to think of it. And I act because …. it’s … funny. I like to entertain people.”

Chris nodded in understanding and let a smile slip through. “I … write because I love telling stories and … because it’s easier to write than to talk sometimes.”

“I love it when you talk,” Darren burst out. Then he grimaced.

“That’s a fucked up thing to say,” Chris said laughing.

“Shit, that sounded less creepy in my head, actually. There you see, I can’t be trusted with words, which is why I need your help with this song,” Darren pointed out, looking awfully cute.

“I don’t know.” Chris hesitated. “I’m pretty sure it will be better with your own words.”

“It _could_ be my words - I just need some input about the substance, you know.”

Chris nodded in agreement, mostly because he was flattered and because it for some reason was hard to say no to this guy. “Sure I’ll check it out.”

“Thanks man,” Darren said thrilled and emptied his juice bottle. He nodded towards Chris’ laptop on the floor “What are you writing?”

Chris pointed his lips. “Darren, all writers hate that question, didn’t you know that?”

“Why?”

“Because …” he gave it some thought. “Because explaining a creative process is like leaving your soul bare and yet everyone expects a short answer. It’s a work in progress and it feels weird to talk about it before it’s finished.” Chris hoped he wasn’t being too harsh.

“Like getting a review during rehearsals before anything is finished,” Darren added.

“Exactly.”

“I didn’t mean to pry. You just tend to get so caught up whenever you write that I always wonder where you go and how cool it would be to go with you ... if something like that was possible.”

Chris lost a beat by that suggestion for more reasons that Darren could possibly know. “That’s the true magic about imagination, though,” he then said, “anything _is_ possible.” He all of a sudden found himself caught up in the moment. Darren was not only easy on the eye, he was _gorgeous._ Not in a well-put-together perfect kind of way. It was more natural and freeing, with his casual clothes, his messy curls and those big golden colored, curious eyes. He was more open that Chris would have ever dared to be with someone he had just met and he made it look so easy.

Darren smiled and locked eyes with him. “I do hope I get to join you in a story some day,” he said. They both got quiet until the intensity that had dropped out of nowhere got awkward. “Um - I better leave you to your writing again,” Darren said flustered and snatched the paper from their sandwiches before he got up. “I’ll see you to the next lesson, right?”

“Sure,” Chris said, slowly opening his laptop again.

Darren stopped in his tracks. “Oh, and I’ll bring the song tomorrow, maybe I’ll make a recording tonight. Then you can give it a listen and tell me what you think.”

“I will try,” Chris promised again. Darren was halfway through the auditorium when Chris suddenly decided to answer a certain question anyway. “I’m writing a screenplay, by the way.”

Darren turned around and a huge smile spread across his face. “Really?”

“Yeah, it’s about a guy … struggling to beat his inner demons.”

Darren bit his lip “I would have stayed for the long answer, you know.”

“I know but maybe you’ll have the long answer another time.”

“I hope so,” Darren said and walked backwards to prolong the contact between them for a bit longer before he went out the door.

When he was gone and Chris was left to his beloved solitude, it suddenly felt as if the sun had disappeared behind a cloud.

“Damn it!” he whispered.

* * *

 

With forty playful students and a teacher like Mrs. Nolan who loved anything that involved improvisation, theater sports soon became everybody’s favorite. A lot of new talents popped up when put in the most ridiculous situations and as Chris had predicted he and Darren were now keeping score. There was one rule and one rule only whenever they were paired against each other; whoever made the other one crack, won. Chris was unsurpassed as the keeper of a straight face, while Darren mastered anything weird and corny. Lines like “ _I’m sure Chris will explain how wood nymphs reproduce in a song he has just written all by himself_ , or “ _Darren will now demonstrate how to use a toilet brush in a new unique way_.” were heard as a part of their fierce competition. The rest of the class usually cracked up beyond recovery whenever these two were permitted to keep an improv session going.

Chris really thrived in this new friendship. Never before had he met someone who got him that easily and he couldn’t remember having laughed so hard for ages. Even Michael was impressed by the musical dude that apparently did a lot more than burst into song now and then.

“Look Chris, I know you’ll hate me for this,” Michael said when he and Chris had met for brunch on Sunday, “but Darren likes you. You can’t ignore that fact anymore.”

“Maybe,” Chris said, trying to shrug it off.

“No, not maybe and you know it. And I can tell you like him, too.”

Chris sighed. “Michael I hear what you’re saying and I’m not disagreeing per se, but I’m not .. I’m not looking for someone right now. I haven’t got the time for that. I want to write, you know how stubborn I am about that. Darren is funny to hang out with and for now it’s uncomplicated. I don’t see why it couldn’t stay that way.”

Michael watched him with a seldom serious expression in his eyes.

“Now don’t sit there and judge me on a Sunday morning,” Chris added and rolled his eyes.

“I’m not judging - I never have and I never will. Just don’t miss out on the greater things in life, Colfer. He seems like a really great guy, that’s all.”

* * *

                               

Chris thought about it later that day when he was back at the dorm. He was well aware of how Darren looked at him and he was flattered. He was more than flattered. He liked it. But in Chris’ world guys like Darren were like tornados; such a fascinating force of nature and so beautiful that you constantly are drawn closer. But eventually, you _have_ to turn away and run or else you will be sucked in and be lost forever. He had ways of protecting himself emotionally that had been refined over the years and he knew how to run away from things; but for now he would allow himself _one_ guilty pleasure; to make Darren laugh and just enjoy his company.  Was that such a bad thing?

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. May I Have This Dance

 

“Listen up ladies and gentlemen,” Mrs. Nolan said as she hectically clasped her hands together to get their attention. “Today we're not going to improvise.” A disappointed mumble got audible around her. “Now, now, now, now, don't you get all whiney before you’ve heard the new assignment,” she said with suspense in her lofty sing-song voice. “One of the many secrets to a good performance is _trust_. If you don't trust your co-actors on stage, if you can’t go with the flow or pick up a line out of order, the audience will notice it right away. Whereas a well-oiled troop who relies on each other can save almost any mistake and keep the performance or the play rolling. To _trust_ somebody is really about giving up control for a moment and let yourself be guided, even if you can't see where things are headed,” she explained mysteriously. “And for this specific exercise - we are going to dance!”

 

Some students cheered while others looked almost haunted. Chris was usually okay with dancing as long as people didn't expect too much of him - but _who_ to dance with was a different matter.

 

“Now, I want the boys to go find someone to dance with and let's see how things add up, shall we?” Mrs. Nolan chirped on.

 

Chris held his breath. The only girl he knew slightly was Anna, one of the girls from the Musical line, but before he had even located her Darren got in his way with a confident smile. “May I have this dance,” he asked and bowed slightly.

 

Chris was caught completely off guard. “I'm not sure this was what Mrs. Nolan meant. I think you're supposed to pick a girl.”

 

“She actually wasn't that specific," Darren reminded him and winked as he reached out his hand. Chris felt the attraction like a full force pull in his abdomen, unfamiliar, but not unwelcome. He hesitantly let their hands meet while their bodies found a classic dance position.

 

"I have dagger eyes resting upon me from at least five girls right now," Chris mumbled.

 

"And I tackled about five other girls just to get to you first," Darren whispered.

 

"As if," Chris snorted.

 

"Oh, so you don’t believe me?"

 

"Um no, but I do appreciate the encouragement anyway."

 

"If you only knew," Darren said hummingly.

 

"Knew what?"

 

"How special you are."

 

He said it so effortlessly, without a hint of sarcasm or ridicule. Chris swallowed hard and got very aware of how close they were standing before he was saved by Mrs. Nolan.

 

"Wonderful, wonderful," she said. "Now, you are all going to dance a waltz, an English Waltz to be accurate. It’s simple and yet graceful." With a happy smile she connected her phone to the speakers and soon classical waltz music filled the auditorium.

 

"So Darren Criss, are you a good dancer?"

 

"Not particularly, but I’m a good faker?"

 

"That will do," Chris said amused and counted them in. But it didn’t take long before they banged their knees together and stepped on each other’s toes. Chris stopped. "You've never danced a waltz in your life have you?"

 

"Is it _that_ obvious?"

 

Chris pursed his lips. "Well how is your knee?"

 

"Sore."

 

"Look, it’s not just the steps. Our feet can’t be directly in front of each other. If you go back with your right foot, I will go forward _between_ your feet." Chris slowed down until Darren caught up on the new position and when the first steps worked out he continued. "This way our knees will be free to make the down-up-up movement that a waltz requires."

 

Darren listened carefully and followed Chris’ direction in no time. "Man, this makes so much more sense," he said, proud of his own progress. "And where have you learned to waltz so well, Chris Colfer?"

 

"I was forced as a kid," Chris revealed, "but it _does_ come in handy from time to time. Just remind me not to compete with you in the ballroom, because you learn faster than I blink."

 

"I will only be dancing with you then," Darren said with an honest smile and bowed like a gentleman once the song was over.

 

"Okay, listen up people," Mrs. Nolan said. "Let's move on to the real challenge. You’re all going to dance again, but this time one of you will be blindfolded."

 

An _oohh_ spread between the couples on the floor when she excitedly handed out black scarfs. "This is about leading, following and _trusting_ ," she explained. "When you can’t see, you have to trust your partner, who can. And when you lead you have to earn the trust by avoiding collision with other couples."

 

Chris felt uncomfortable. One thing was goofing around, pretending to know how to waltz; another was dancing with Darren, while being blindfolded. No funny faces could prevent things from becoming awkward. He quickly decided that Darren would have to wear the scarf, but when he received it from Mrs. Nolan, ready to tie it around Darren's head, amber eyes suddenly looked at him, pleadingly.

 

"Do you trust me, Chris?" Darren asked.

 

Chris took a shaky breath. "Do I have a reason to?"

 

"Maybe not yet, but I promise I will look out for you," Darren answered.

 

Chris shifted the weight between his feet and looked down. Something unforeseen about the situation made the chemistry between them intense instead of awkward. Then Chris met the gentle stare again. "Okay, why not?"

 

He was rewarded with a radiant smile as usual. Darren held up the scarf and placed it gently over Chris’ eyes before he stepped closer to be able to tie it. Chris registered the scent of Darren’s cologne, sweet, but fresh and he sensed the body heat right in front of him, even though they barely touched each other. He subconsciously licked his lips, barely breathing as the rest of his senses took over, listening and feeling. Mrs. Nolan changed the music and instead of the traditional classical ballroom music she put on a song Chris had heard a few times before without recalling the title.

 

"Are you ready?" Darren asked with a lowered voice.

 

Chris just nodded and felt how Darren almost embraced him in the dance position, much closer than before where all their attention had been kept on their feet. At once his body registered everything, every pressure, every movement, the heat from their skin, radiating through thin layers of clothes. They moved perfectly together and there was never a doubt in his mind about where Darren wanted him to go. Their legs fit between each other and the movements up and down were flowing effortlessly. Chris could almost hear his heart pound and as hard as he tried to fight it he was overwhelmed by a feeling of belonging. Darren's muscles flexed underneath the palm of his hand where every breath could be registered. Quietly Darren began to hum the melody of the song played and soon followed the words, sung like a whisper.

 

_All of the things that I want to say_

_just aren’t coming out right._

_I’m tripping on words_

_you got my head spinning_

_I don’t know where to go from here._

 

_Cause it’s you and me_

_and all the people with nothing to do,_

_nothing to prove._

_And it’s you and me_

_and all of the people_

_and I don’t know why_

_I can’t keep my eyes off of you._

 

How could Chris not listen with every fiber of his being? How could he not be moved by the way he was cared for, so unexpectedly and gentle? Dancing in the dark, with a strong hand on his back, fingers spread to reach as much as possible. He leaned in and let Darren sweep him off of his feet. It had never been the plan, but how could he back away from a sensation so strong that it challenged everything he believed in?

 

When the song stopped, Darren only let go slowly before he lifted the scarf off of Chris’ eyes. The light was too bright and Chris had to blink a few times but once he could focus again he was met by Darren’s lingering stare and parted lips, more beautiful than Chris had remembered seeing him before. He blushed, but couldn’t break the connection or find one single funny thing to say.

 

"Thank you for dancing with me," Darren said and took a deep shaky breath, before the spell was broken by Mrs. Nolan’s sharp voice; and reality came crashing down on him like a train passing a station.

 

* * *

 

Chris went to the bathroom without looking back. If he didn’t find a moment of solitude right now, he wouldn’t make it through the rest of the day. He closed the door to the booth and leaned up against the thin wall, trying to wrap his head around what had just happened. "Fuck," he whispered over and over. "Just no, just … forget it." He closed his eyes, but the darkness did nothing but take him back to the sensation of Darren’s arms on his waist and their hands clasped together. How had he not seen this coming? What did Darren feel? Was it all just in his head? Was he being played? No, Darren wasn’t like that. He turned on the cold water in the small sink and let it run over his hands before he placed them on his heated cheeks. He could fight this. As long as he never danced with Darren again, he would survive.

 

* * *

 

Michael caught up with him at lunch. "So, a lot of the guys from Musical Theater are meeting at a Mexican restaurant tonight. Wouldn’t it be fun to hang out with them?"

 

"Aren't you afraid they will burst into song?" Chris teased.

 

"Oh I'm laughing so hard right now. Can you tell?" Michael said snarky. "I'm serious though. I want to go and I know Caitlyn is going, so please be a nice wingman here."

 

Chris hesitated, "Sorry Mike, I seriously have to get some writing done tonight. But you should go anyway. You don't need a wingman, handsome."

 

"Come on Chris, slow it down just over the summer,” Michael begged. “You’ll get your name out there in the big world even if you skip writing for two hours."

 

"Maybe next time," Chris said without looking at Michael. If he was supposed to back down from time with Darren, he would have to be smart about things like these. He made sure that he sat with his back to Darren in the dining hall to keep the distraction to a minimum. He wasn’t really avoiding him. He would actually do everything in his power to keep their friendship alive. Right now he just needed a breather, that was all. But they weren’t halfway through lunch though before Darren suddenly appeared.

 

"Are you guys coming along tonight?" he asked.

 

“I am," Michael said, "but Mr. Genius here claims he has to write."

 

Darren narrowed in on him. "It doesn’t have to be for long, Chris."

 

"That’s what you’re all saying," Chris answered, trying his best not to smile when Darren pouted.

 

"Please," Darren said with big eyes. "It will be so much fun. No Mrs. Nolan, no assignments, just a really good meal. Nachos and burritos so spicy that will keep you on your toes for an entire evening. It's hands down my favorite Mexican place to eat in all of LA."

 

Chris bit his lip and felt cornered. "Okay," he finally said, "I’ll try to make it."

 

"Yes!" Darren cheered. "You won’t regret it, I promise." He left the two guys with a _See yah._

 

Chris sighed once Darren was out of sight again."Not a word Michael, I swear to god if you say anything at all I will never speak to you again."

 

"I’m not making a sound, Christopherrr," Michael whispered with a smirk.

 

* * *

 

Chris had tried not to expect too much about the night out but he hadn't imagined the nightmare he was faced with when he and Michael had turned up at the restaurant a bit late. Everybody was already seated and Darren had been completely isolated by his friends at one end of the table, while Chris and Michael ended at the opposite end with people they hardly knew. Chris was even seated at the same side of the table as Darren which made it impossible to get eye contact, not even by accident. What Chris _could_ see though, was the blonde girl, Caitlyn, who sat across from Darren and not once took her eyes off of him. God, he couldn't stand her, but Darren didn't seem to mind an awful lot.

 

His revenge was simple and a part of his lesser finer qualities. Whenever he felt hurt he lashed out. So he simply made sure that his end of the table was having a blast. He and Michael cracked people up, timing their stories perfectly to an audience that hadn't heard them before. He was all smiles and jokes on the outside while his heart ached from within. It was ridiculous, really. Darren had tried to get his attention all week and Chris had been determined not to give in. Then one dance and his fortress, rock solid as it was, cracked in its foundation and swayed.

 

He gave up two hours later, exhausted and sad to the bones when he excused himself and went to the counter to pay.

 

"You're not leaving already, are you?”

 

Chris turned and was knocked out by Darren’s worried expression. "Yeah, I'm tired and a bit behind on my writing schedule as I may have mentioned before", he huffed out.

 

"Look, I really tried to switch my way down to your end of the table. It sounded so fun down there."

 

"Well you seemed to have your hands full with the girls anyway."

 

The hurtful remark hit Darren in an almost physical way and it make Chris' heart cringe. "Shit, Darren that came out all wrong."

 

"It's not like that, Chris, not at all," Darren said quietly and put a hand on his arm. The warm touch seeped through the thin layer of clothes. "They are my friends, but they come across as ... quite possessive from time to time."

 

Chris _had_ to get out of there. He could take hurt and disappointment, but this intimacy, the way Darren let his heart show, wide open; that was beyond anything he had tried before; and he didn't know what to do with it. His answer was stupid. "Thanks for inviting me though. I tend to lock myself up in my own little writer’s bubble and forget about reality. Tonight was a reality check after all.”

 

Darren blinked. “Why does it break my heart when you say it like that?"

 

Chris looked away. “Because that’s what I do … with words.” He offered a small smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Darren. It’s alright.” Then he turned around to escape the haunted eyes that followed him until he was out of sight.

 

 

 


	4. To The Core

 

Chris ran all the way home to the dorm, locked himself in and dropped down on his bed, spread eagle without even removing his shoes. He wasn’t mad at Darren, not even close. He wasn’t mad at Caitlyn either to be honest. She just did what he hadn’t the guts to do. But he was furious at himself for exposing his heart when he specifically had promised himself not to. He needed to be rational about this. He _had_ to try harder and return to a reality where Darren could be a friend and no more. He would apologize first thing in the morning and pretend that tonight had been a fit of bad mood on his behalf. He would ambush this mess of emotions and focus on a beautiful friendship being born.

 

Reassured this way, he kicked off his shoes, picked up the laptop from the floor and got settled in bed. “Now where was I,” he mumbled in the quietness of his room. His eyes scanned the last lines he had written as he tried to catch up immediately. But what was supposed to be words followed by new sentences, crumbled between his fingers before it could be captured and transferred into anything. Ideas escaped his mind as if a playful wind was catching them and carrying them away. He took a deep breath, centered himself and left everything out until his mind slowly tapped into the world of the TV-script. Stubbornly he worked through every sentence, hard earned, until his phone buzzed with an incoming text. He tried _so_ hard not to look but once he realized it was from Darren he _had_ to; just to give himself a chance to keep working afterwards.

 

_Are you asleep?_

 

Chris shook his head. "Not answering that one," he mumbled to himself.

 

 _Chriiiiis_ , _I know you not sleeping, so please, please text me back._

 

He dropped his head. Would the guy ever give it a rest? He stared at the text again and with a deep sigh he answered. 

 

_It’s impossible for you to know I’m not asleep!_

 

_Ha! I knew it._

 

_Asshat!_

 

_I knew that too._

 

_Takes one to know one._

 

_Funny!_

 

_You never got to hear my song._

 

_You can always text it._

 

_Really, Chris???!!!!_

 

_Lame, I know. I’m tired._

 

 

_Maybe…._

 

_I can give you a link to my YouTube channel if you’ll give me a minute … or two. I haven’t recorded it yet.”_

 

_So you plan to publish a song that's not finished?_

 

_No, it's a private show for you my dear._

 

With all resilience left somewhere between 2. and 3. text Chris smiled from ear to ear, grateful that no one could see him , especially Darren. He decided to brush his teeth and get ready for bed while he was waiting for the link. He brought his phone to the bathroom ... just in case _._ Was it stupid - probably. Would he do it anyway - absolutely. Well, back in his bed the link came through. He switched back to the laptop. If the guy had gone through this much trouble to make him hear the song he felt obligated to watch it on a decent screen. When Darren finally appeared in the picture, Chris saw he was sitting on his bed as well, looking casual as if he had been home for awhile. He couldn't have stayed long in the restaurant after Chris had left.

 

Not that it mattered.

 

"Hi, Chris, who is clearly not sleeping, even though he probably tried really hard just to ignore me." Chris snorted and smiled at the radiant eyes capturing him through cyber space. "I'll try to play this song for you and you'll probably spot pretty quickly where I'm in trouble." He leaned closer to the camera as if he was confiding in Chris. "It's the place where I suddenly sing na-na-na. That's not a part of the song ... it could be, though. I mean for some songs it's very fitting. I've written na-na songs myself, but this is not one of them. Anyway, you might be thinking that Darren, that asshat, sure talks a lot for a guy who cannot come up with the right words and you're right. So ... now I'm going to sing. Okay, here we go."

 

Chris couldn't help laughing. The guy was a dork, cute, but definitely a dork. Darren began strumming the guitar as his head bopped to the beat and slowly the dork disappeared and the musician took over, living the song with every expression. He was so very beautiful and capturing in every way, from the long eyelashes that rested on his cheeks when he closed his eyes, to the dark hair that curled around his forehead, the strong jaw and his soft mouth. It was intense to just look at him without being afraid of getting caught.

 

“What is it about you?” Chris whispered and let his fingers run down the screen. “And why me? What do you even see in me?” He blinked in surprise when the song was over and he hadn’t heard a word. He started the clip again and closed his eyes to prevent further distraction. He smiled once more at the silly speech in the beginning and zoomed in on Darren’s voice alone. His way of writing was very talkative. He put words together like he would say them and it made the song raw and open; just like Darren was. It was a love song, but without the typical clichés. In many ways it described how Chris felt about Darren this very moment. This bittersweet confusing state where anything is possible and everything is unpredictable. You don’t know what’s on the other side of the door you just know that your body and soul aches to find out; aches to take the next step, because the attraction is so powerful that it blows your mind and removes any common sense.

 

The third time he heard the song he finally paid attention to the second verse. He repeated the clip until he could hum the melody on his own, but he was still not sure what to do with it. His phone buzzed with a text again.

 

_I swear to God if you have fallen asleep I will show up in person and yank you out of bed. I’m on pins and needles._

 

Chris smiled and texted back. _You don’t know where I live_

 

_I’ll just go looking until I find you. So???_

 

Chris let his finger hover over the call button for a second before he pushed it with a beating heart. It wasn’t picked up right away and he got worried that Darren wasn’t that eager to talk to him at all, but then Darren's voice came through.

 

"Shit Chris you startled me there. I dropped the phone between the mattress and the wall." He laughed. "I don’t know why, but I’m scared shitless that you don’t like my song. I’m usually not that touchy about the things I write."

 

"Relax Dare. I … really love it. It’s very insightful, actually."

 

"You think?"

 

"Yes. But honestly, I still want it to be your song. I could never catch your style or get the way you write things so freely. It’s very unique and honest. I really, really like it. You don’t need me to mess around with it."

 

“That is the longest you have said to me without being sarcastic,” Darren said.

 

The statement really hurt; mostly because it was true. “I know … look Darren, I’m so sorry about tonight. I was being a dick about something stupid and I left you in a bad way. I wish I hadn’t.”

 

“It’s okay you know. And I _was_ dying to come down and sit next to you.”

 

“You were?”

 

“You’re a lot of fun to hang out with, Chris and I’m just trying to get to know you.”

 

Chris took a leap of faith. “I feel the same way,” he said with a pounding heart, knowing that he was being pulled right back into the tornado.

 

“Oh, and sorry for blabbing so much on the video.”

 

“It was funny though.”

 

“Look, I get what you’re saying about the song, but I’d still like some suggestions from you. It doesn’t have to be exact and I promise to make it my own somehow.”

 

Chris sighed. “Can I at least get until tomorrow? I’ll bring some ideas when we meet in the auditorium then.”

 

“Yes! Thank you Chris. That would really mean a lot.”

 

Chris laughed. “You’re putting a lot of pressure on my shoulders. You know that, right?”

 

“No, I’m not. I just trust you and you shouldn’t worry about it.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“See you tomorrow, Chris Colfer.”

 

* * *

 

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” Chris said out of breath to Mrs. Nolan as he rushed into the wardrobe. “I overslept and came as fast as I could.”

 

She smiled forgivingly. “That can happen to us all. Everybody has left for their workshops now and I know you and Michael have something in progress, but today you’re spoken for elsewhere. Darren said the two of you are writing a song together. He’s waiting for you on the stage.”

 

Chris stopped in his tracks.“The stage?”

 

“I think all other rooms were occupied, so the only place left was the one in the spotlight.”

 

“Great,” Chris moaned.

 

“Don’t worry, the spotlight is turned off though,” she confided amused.

 

He smiled. “Thanks anyway.” Chris stepped into the auditorium without being noticed and caught a peculiar sight of Darren sitting on the floor in the center of the stage. He was playing the guitar with a single earplug in his ear, playing along to something that kept him in deep concentration. It wasn’t until Chris walked up the stairs that Darren saw him. His face lit up in a bright smile.

 

“Hey, I was afraid I had scared you off.” He jumped up and pulled Chris in for a hug. It felt warm and welcoming.

 

“It takes more than you to scare me,” Chris stated teasingly.

 

Darren bellowed out a laugh. “I know, I’ve never been the intimidating type.”

 

“Um, how did we go from _can you help me with a couple of lines_ to _Darren and Chris are writing a song together_?”

 

“Oh, that’s easy. If you help me make the song, we are writing it together.”

 

“I don’t have any lines for you as I told you yesterday.”

 

“But you can help me to decide where the song should go. So smack your cute ass down on the floor, Colfer and tell me what you get from the first verse; then we’ll brainstorm together,” Darren said encouragingly.

 

“Why do we always end up on the floor?”

 

Darren laughed at the innuendo, making Chris roll his eyes as he fought back a smile. “Sitting on the floor keeps me grounded and it helps me not to fall asleep, even though I tend to do that on the floor, too if I’m out of a bed.”

 

Chris lifted his bag off of his shoulders and sat down opposite Darren so they were facing each other. Once more the intimacy between them flourished out of nowhere and Chris had to brave up to meet Darren’s eyes.

 

“So have you thought about the song at all?” Darren asked.

 

 _Yeah, he had listened to it most of the night, that’s why he had overslept_. “Briefly yes,” Chris answered.

 

Darren smirked. “Liar.”

 

“Am not.”

 

“If you say so,” Darren teased. “Anyway, give me your best shot.”

 

Chris collected his thoughts before he began. “In the first verse you write about a very specific moment between two people. There is mutual attraction and thoughts and feelings are spinning out of control. Is it just a random connection - here one moment and gone the next - or … is it a glimpse of a kindred spirit? I can relate to all of this.” Darren’s eyes softened slightly as he listened. “The intriguing part, however,” Chris continued, “is not the attraction in itself, but the aftermath. What happens afterwards? Do you act on the attraction; pursue what’s in front of you - or do you walk away? The choice may seem simple, but every choice has consequences and maybe that’s the true dilemma of love.” Chris saw the confusion in Darren’s eyes and kept explaining. “By pursuing you take a chance. What you thought was magic can turn out to be ordinary at best, and at worst, break your heart forever. By walking away, you’ll avoid getting hurt, but at the same time you will have to face the risk of spending the rest of your life wondering if it _could_ have been the love of your life. So no matter what you choose you have to be willing to live with those consequences, right?”

 

Darren listened with his chin rested on his fisted hand. “It still seems to me that the consequences of pursuing will cost less in the end.”

 

Chris looked down. “That all depends, really. You can only take so many disappointments in your life before you stop believing in love and maybe that's a much higher price to pay.”

 

“It’s like that movie with Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep. Um, what was it called?” Darren closed his eyes. “Oh yes, The Bridges of Madison County.”

 

Chris smiled and felt much understood. “Yes, that movie for sure deals with the dilemma of love and attraction very beautifully.”

 

“So in your opinion Francesca made the right choice by staying with her family?” Darren asked. “I mean I don’t condone being unfaithful, that’s not it, but it was something so very special.”

 

“I think she did what she had to do and in some ways she never let go of the memory of Clint. Meeting him still rewarded her and enriched her life.”

 

“Maybe, but I could never walk away from a love that big and profound and return to something less. I think I would die inside.”

 

“Choosing differently would have hurt her family deeply,” Chris reminded him. “She had obligations. In her situation it was a family, but it can be anything really. Obligations come in many forms.”

 

“But then you stop being true to yourself, don’t you?” Darren asked. “And if you’re not true to yourself, then what are you?”

 

Chris blinked. “I know. But at the end of the day you do what it takes to survive.”

 

Darren’s amber eyes looked right through him, like he was discovering something important for the very first time. Chris shifted uncomfortably. “How about you?” he asked to break the contact. “Would you always pursue?”

 

Darren squinted. “I think I’m too curious not to pursue if the attraction is mutual, but it depends. I mean there’s magic and then there’s MAGIC.”

 

Chris bit his lip. He felt out of breath. “Yes,” he admitted quietly. “There is a difference.”

 

Caitlyn suddenly tackle hugged Darren from behind and ran her hand through his hair. Behind her came Anna, who smiled welcoming to Chris.

 

“Are we going to finish up on that song, Dare Bear, or are you just going to be a lazy ass,” Caitlyn uttered.

 

For the first time annoyance was sensed from Darren. “I’m finishing it up with Chris now. I told you I was stuck.” He moved her arm from his shoulder.

 

Caitlyn suddenly found time to glare at Chris before her focus shifted back to Darren. "You're only stuck because you wouldn’t listen to any of my good ideas the other day. I could easily have written a verse and a bridge if you’d only let me.”

 

Darren just shrugged. “It didn’t feel right.” His eyes found their way back to Chris. “Sometimes you just have to wait until it feels right. And then it will be worth the entire struggle.”

 

Chris blushed and looked away, hoping that the girls hadn't picked up on the double meaning.

 

“Come, let’s take you guys for lunch,” Anna said and offered them both hands to help them get up from the floor; and the four of them went to the dining hall.

 

While they were eating two things became very obvious to Chris. Caitlyn viewed Chris as a competitor for Darren’s attention, and Anna was funny and smart.

 

* * *

 

After lunch Chris spent the afternoon with Michael to catch up with their project. First they bounced a lot of ideas and as always they laughed a great deal more than they wrote. Then Michael started pacing the floor, juggling a tennis ball and babbling a lot, while Chris caught the things that were usable and wrote like a maniac on the computer. And after a couple of hours they had agreed on a frame and a theme they could build their sketches into. Late in the afternoon, while Michael was taking a break, Darren came by.

 

“Guess what I have behind my back,” he asked excitedly.

 

Chris squinted. “Um, a goat with laryngitis, riding a bike,” he suggested.

 

“You’re sooo close, but no! Give it another shot.”

 

“Um, a letter of recommendation from your mom, saying that she always knew you were one of a kind and that you one day will become President.”

 

“Funny, and for that snarky remark you’ve just lost your last guess.”

 

Chris pursed his lips. “Now that upsets me deeply.”

 

Darren ignored his sarcasm and revealed two certificates. “These are gift certificates for _the_ most amazing dessert place in LA. Whatever you order they guarantee that it will melt on your tongue and find its smooth way down your throat until it reaches its destination in your tummy, making satisfaction a word you only _thought_ you knew,” he said dreamily.

 

“A dessert place?” Chris stated and tried to calm down the bubbly joy inside. “What do you get before dessert then?” he asked.

 

“Another desert, that’s the magic of it all!”

 

“That sounds almost ungodly.”

 

Darren nodded. “To your body, yes, but to your soul, it is healing in edible form. And _you_ , my young master Colfer have a soul that screams for dessert. Your aura needs sweetener. So I have decided to take you with me.” Darren handed him one of the certificates, smiling from ear to ear.

 

Chris looked at it. “Shouldn’t you save this for a special occasion?” he asked hesitantly. “I can always sweeten my aura with the chocolate chip cookies my mom just sent me.”

 

“This _is_ a special occasion.” Darren’s eyes laughed like they always did when he knew he would get his way. “I’m making my last dinner invitation up to you and this time I promise that I’ll sit across the table instead of far away.”

 

“You don’t still feel guilty about that, right?” Chris frowned. “I was in a - even for me - unbelievably bad mood yesterday and it had nothing to do with you.”

 

“You don’t get to decide over my guilt and please, please say you will go. It will be so much fun and I don’t want to be the only one with a visible tummy tomorrow.”

 

Chris caved in completely of course.

 

* * *

 

He had a smaller crisis about what to wear, which burst into a full forced panic attack ten minutes before he had to leave. It was not a date. That had at least not been verbalized between them. But how casual are you supposed to be at a dessert place? Is it fancy, is it low key or is it _all you can eat_ with obese people standing in line, trying to beat some sort of record? He decided on a short sleeved button down blue shirt and a pair of black jeans. It was more than denim and a t-shirt, but not too much.

 

Darren however _did_ look like a date. He had definitely made an effort and it was hard for Chris to take his eyes off of him. He thanked himself for not just showing up in the t-shirt he had worn all day.

 

The place was everything Darren had promised it would be - and the hardest part about the evening soon turned out to be choosing between the ridiculous amounts of desserts on the menu.

 

They both got bolder with the lingering eye contact as the evening passed by and when Darren accidentally brushed his fingers against Chris’ hand it felt like the earth was moving. Maybe it was time to face reality and admit that he had feelings for Darren, feelings that couldn’t be willed away, no matter how hard he tried.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Falling Slowly

 

Time was passing by at a ridiculous speed and Chris felt like he’d been in summer class for months instead of weeks. Who would have thought that spending time with so many different people would bring changes to his life? Three weeks into the course and he already liked hanging out with most of the students. A lot of them had promised to stay in touch with each other after this summer and it felt nice to have more friends than just the guys from creative writing.

 

"Who are you going to challenge this week by the way," Michael asked one day on their way from the dorms.

 

"Oh, yeah, challenge week," Chris replied with furrowed brows. "I don’t know. How about you?"

 

"I'll ask Caitlyn, but I don’t know what assignment to give her yet."

 

Chris glanced at his friend as they kept walking. "Can I give you an advice, big fella?"

 

"You can, but I probably won’t follow it."

 

"No, that would be a first," Chris mumbled. "Look, forget about Caitlyn. She will not be worth the heartache."

 

"You’re just saying that because you hate how she’s hovering over Darren."

 

Chris saved his death-stare this time. "Yes, I hate that, and it should probably bother you, too, but that’s not it. There’s something disturbing about her and for once I think you’re aiming too low. She’s not good enough for you."

 

"Is that so," Michael said amused.

 

"Yes, that’s so."

 

Michael opened the door for him as they entered the main building. "And who do you recommend instead?"

 

Chris pondered. "Give Anna a challenge. She’s really nice and down to earth, you know."

 

"But she’s not a blonde," Michael objected.

 

"Then go for a brunette for once," Chris suggested. "They might surprise you." He suddenly got busy fiddling with his phone, hoping desperately that Michael would stay off a smart remark as his own thoughts circled around dark, soft curls, perfectly messy, just asking to be tangled with.

 

But Michael seemed lost in his own thoughts all of a sudden. "I just might follow your advice after all," he mumbled. “Whoa - just saying that sounds weird.”

 

Chris got settled in the auditorium and went through his writing schedule on his phone. He still wasn’t writing as much as he was supposed to, but he had stopped panicking about it. Words had always come so easy to him, ideas too, but something was shifting inside of him and making it harder at the moment. It was like the lines Darren had hummed in his ear while they danced.

 

_All of the things that I want to say_

_just aren’t coming out right._

_I’m tripping on words_

_you got my head spinning_

_I don’t know where to go from here._

 

He had searched for the song on Spotify the night of the dance. He’d heard it before, but never really paid attention to it. You and Me by Lifehouse. Now it was on repeat whenever he was alone. He put in his earbuds and hit play. In the middle of the second verse he saw Darren coming his way and pulled out the buds with a pop, feeling like he had been caught with his hands in the cookie jar. Darren took the seat next to him and they smiled at each other.

 

“Sooo, Christopher.”

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

“Paul?”

 

“Even worse. Big mistake to tell you that by the way.”

 

“Baby?”

 

Chris killed a smile without succeeding completely. “That would be inappropriate.” Darren pouted until Chris gave up and smiled anyway.

 

“Okay, Chris, have you by any chance received a challenge yet?”

 

His heart began to pound. “Um no … not really.”

 

Darren smirked. “Well then I will challenge you.”

 

“And what’s the challenge?”

 

“I challenge you to sing with me.”

 

“No, Darren, just no.”

 

“No?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Hmm, I recall a certain Mrs. Nolan saying that it was not an option to say no to a challenge this summer.”

 

Chris turned his head and pleaded silently. “Darren I’m just … singing isn’t really my thing.”

 

“But I know you can sing. I’ve heard it; wood nymphs reproducing, remember? And if it _was_ your thing, it would hardly be a challenge, would it?”

 

“The wood nymph's mating-song was for the fun of it and a completely different thing,” Chris argued. “Singing in public just makes me uncomfortable.”

 

Darren turned in his seat to face Chris and pulled one of his legs up which made them sit so close that their legs touched. ”I’m not asking you to sing alone. We’ll sing together. You can pick the song and we’ll sing whatever you like.” He pressed his lips together, getting thoughtful before he continued. “I’m not trying to make you feel uncomfortable and this isn’t about our friendly banter. I would just really like to sing with you, Chris. It would mean a lot.”

 

It was such a sweet thing to say and for some reason this felt like a new side of Darren, a more vulnerable one. “But I don’t have a powerful voice like yours,” Chris objected weakly.

 

“But singing is about so much more than what notes to reach. It's like telling a story and if you have a story to tell people will listen. My voice isn’t that powerful either by the way. I just like to sing my heart out and when I do, I feel alive. I’d like to feel alive with you.”

 

Chris caught a lost expression in Darren’s eyes that made his body tingle - and the closeness between them got tangible and unreal. “Challenge accepted,” he then whispered.

 

“It will be amazing. I just know it,” Darren said and dropped his eyes slightly.

 

Chris searched for the ground underneath his feet again and tried to remember that they were sitting in a room full of people. He cleared his throat and moved slightly away from the magnetic field around Darren. “Um, when are we supposed to perform the challenges?”

 

“This Friday,” Darren answered, “which means that we have three days to rehearse.”He squinted and the goofy smile returned. “I suggest we rehearse _a lot_ , just to make sure you’re okay with everything.”

 

“You wish.”

 

“A lot,” Darren repeated laughing.

 

Chris tilted his head. “Have you received any challenges by the way?”

 

“Not really." Darren lowered his voice. “But I’ve sort of told Caitlyn that I have. She was all over the place almost before Mrs. Nolan had explained the rules.”

 

“Well in that case, Darren Criss, I would like to challenge you.”

 

“Awesome - what do you want me to do?”

 

“I want you to do a monologue, something simple. No singing, no bouncing all over the stage and no goofy smiles,” Chris explained.

 

“Intriguing. Do I find the material myself or do you have something special in mind?”

 

“I’ll find the monologue and you’ll bring it to life.”

 

“Challenge accepted,” Darren said satisfied and searched through his bag for something. “Oh, Michael just challenged Anna, by the way,” he added.

 

“Really? That’s great. What’s the challenge?

 

“He wants them to sing opera together.”

 

Chris began laughing. “That will be a much bigger challenge for him than for her.”

 

“True, but Anna was too polite to indicate that - and then she accepted the challenge.”

 

* * *

 

Once the first jitter about singing had calmed down, Chris was honored and excited about singing with Darren. He wanted them to sound great together and for that he needed the perfect song. After searching through old and new playlists he kind of fell in love again with “Falling Slowly”. He had always liked it for its simplicity and power and it wasn’t too hard to sing.

 

Darren was thrilled of course - when was he not - and once they had agreed on the harmonies, even Chris was looking forward to performing. A lot of challenges had been exchanged between the forty students and the results on Friday night were of various qualities from funny and awkward, to different and amazing. Michael had, to Chris’ utter surprise, managed to sing something opera-ish with a straight face and the outcome had been acceptable. “Falling Slowly” was scheduled as the last number in the first part and only five minutes before they were going on stage, Mrs. Nolan came up to them.

 

“I have an idea for your song,” she said, “and I know it’s last minute but I think it will work out perfectly.”

 

“Okay, now I’m officially worried,” Chris stuttered. “Do you know what last minute ideas do to my anxiety level?”

 

Darren put a calming hand on his arm and looked at Mrs. Nolan. “What are you suggesting?”

 

“Well, instead of sitting next to each other on the stools, try to sit opposite each other with the side to the audience. That way you’ll be singing directly to each other,” she said. “I saw it once at a concert and it brought something beautiful and intense to the song.”

 

“Won’t it be weird not to face the audience?” Chris asked, still panicking slightly.

 

“No, I think it will work,” Darren said with a thoughtful nod. “Would you be okay with that?”

 

Chris looked for assurance in the amber eyes and Darren gave it to him in abundance. “Yeah, if you can do it, so can I,” he muttered.

 

Mrs. Nolan introduced them with big promising words as they got settled on the stools, now facing each other. Chris dried his sweaty palms off in his pants, but the moment he found Darren's eyes everything inside of him calmed down. The room got quiet and the audience watched with anticipation in the darkness.

 

Darren played the first chords on his guitar, gently as if the strings were fragile, and then he began to sing, softly as ever, with eyes only on Chris.

 

 **Darren** :

_I don't know you_

_But I want you_

_All the more for that_

 

 **Chris** :

_Words fall through me_

_And always fool me_

_And I can't react_

 

 **Darren** :

_And games that never amount_

_To more than they're meant_

_Will play themselves out_

 

 **Darren and Chris** :

_Take this sinking boat and point it home_

_We've still got time_

_Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice_

_You'll make it now_

 

The surroundings ceased to exist once their voices blended together. It was effortless and pure, playful and serene. It blew Chris’ mind and turned his world upside down. He was not a singer, yet here he was, singing with Darren; beautiful, gorgeous, Darren, who never failed to make him feel special. It was impossible to break contact and in the intensity Darren got lost in front of him like never before.

 

 **Darren** :

_Falling slowly, eyes that know me_

_And I can't go back_

 

**Chris**

_Moods that take me and erase me_

_And I'm painted black_

 

**Darren**

_You have suffered enough_

_And warred with yourself_

_It's time that you won_

 

**Darren and Chris**

_Take this sinking boat and point it home_

_We've still got time_

_Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice_

_You'll make it now_

_Falling slowly sing your melody_

_I'll sing along_

 

It wasn’t until the applause roared towards them that Chris fully understood that for two and a half minutes, they had been in their own world. A world so uncomplicated that it scared him and made his soul soar up under the roof at the same time.

 

* * *

 

With the second part of performance night came the challenge Chris had given Darren. He had picked out a little thing he had written himself back in high school, without revealing the true author to Darren. It felt unimportant and he didn’t want it to take focus.

 

Darren stepped onto the stage with nothing but himself. He had changed to black; tight jeans and a slim t-shirt that accentuated his strong arms in the spotlight. But there was something different about him. He held himself differently and controlled every move.  His open face, that usually revealed every emotion going through him, was closed off and on alert. He looked like a spectator, viewing the world from a safe house. Subconsciously Chris pressed his lips together and crossed his arms as to shield himself for what was about to happen. Maybe it had been a mistake to hand over something that personal, but now he couldn’t undo it.

 

Darren looked up and made brief contact with his audience without really seeing them.

 

_“High School - Society’s bright idea to put all their aggressive, naive youth into one environment to torment and emotionally scar each other for life.”_

He pocketed his hands in the tight jeans.

 

_“Have I been scarred?_

_Definitely,_

_How much?_

_Probably more than some … but then again less than others._

_And can pain even be measured at all?_

_Is it decibel or inches;_

_is it the weight of your heart or the circumference of the knot in your stomach?_  

 

Darren paced the stage blank faced.

 

“ _I can take the abusive remarks as long as they can’t get into my head._

_In my mind I’m free,_

_superior to them all._

_In my mind I’m allergic to stupidity._

_It gives me a rash._

_It makes me itch._

_It tempts me to shout at them.”_

 

He paused.

 

_“But I never do._

_Well except for that one time._

_I passed a group of seniors in the hallway; did my best not to attract their attention, flying under the radar so to speak._

_But the biggest bloke spotted me._

_Hey, he shouted so loud that the entire school must have heard it. What’s it like … to kiss boys?_

_People around me laughed,_

_their stupid mouths wide open_

_and their eyes squinting in indifference and ignorance._

_Before I could stop myself I looked at him with a smirk._

_‘Don’t you remember?’ I asked._

_His friends roared in laughter when the bloke’s mouth dropped in disbelief._

_I didn’t wait for the applause though._

 

Darren smiled _._

 

_But I sprinted down the hallway and into the outdoor toilet,_

_the one where fumes of urine on the floor made it hard to breathe._

_I hid there until the next class and was scared shitless for repercussions in months._

_I know I’m bitter and a little jaded …_

_and that I mildly enjoy it,_

_but am I a sad person?_

_I don’t think so._

_I just don’t know if I’m happy either._

_You see there is nothing wrong with me,_

_there is just something wrong with the world I live in._

_But one day I’ll be out of here_

_and I’ll never look back …_

_except for that moment I’ll return to shove my success and my name and fame down their throats._

_Because the cruelest thing you can do to anyone …  is force them to hurt alone._

_I don’t know if I’ll ever heal from that._

 

Chris had to leave. He couldn’t breathe as if the urine fumes from the outdoor toilet still resided in his nostrils. He found a door out to a long balcony that stretched around the entire 1st. floor of the building. With his elbows resting on the railing, he leaned over slightly and filled his lungs with fresh air. He thought it didn’t matter than much anymore, but some things are layered in our memories forever. College had been a blessing and these weeks even more, but the scars from what had happened back then still lived and breathed right underneath his skin.

 

The tears ambushed him and a sob got stuck in his throat until he let go. He tried to stop when Darren silently approached him from behind and pulled him into his arms. But right there, Chris cried; not because he wanted to, but because he couldn’t help it.

 

“You should have told me that you went through hell in high school,” Darren whispered into his ear when the first sorrow had left his body again. He let go of Darren and dried his tears away, embarrassed.

 

“It’s not that easy to tell and I hadn’t foreseen that it would bite me in the ass like this.”

 

Darren got down on the cement floor, leaned his back against the wall and pulled Chris down next to him.

 

“Why do we always end up on the floor?” Chris huffed out and put his head on Darren’s shoulder.

 

“Because it keeps us grounded, remember?”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A disclaimer note for the monologue. The monologue is a mix of a lot of Chris Colfer quotes from interviews and from Struck By Lightening. I've written certain parts myself, but most of it is all Chris <3


	6. Uncertainty

 

The excuses were as creative as they were numerous - but the outcome was predictable; Chris and Darren now spent most of their spare time together. Things had changed after the night of "Falling Slowly" - as if a layer had been peeled off, revealing something more honest and true between them. A new understanding of the physical attraction grew between them even though it wasn't worded or acted upon yet. At night Chris still tossed and turned in his bed, struggling with the emotional whirlwind Darren caused in his life. But during the day he let himself linger in every unintentional touch between them and every moment shared. The diversity between night and day pulled him apart. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t think _one_ coherent thought or remember what he used to find so important before they had met - and it was disturbing. He knew Darren would come clean soon and tell him how he felt. But even though he had tried to prepare himself for that moment, he still wasn’t ready when it happened.

They were hanging out as usual in a small cafe not far from campus, which by now had earned the right to be called their favorite. Darren had been more quiet than usual when he suddenly reached out to let their fingertips meet across the table while his eyes searched for assurance. Chris held his breath and spread his fingers slowly, allowing the connection even if it was with a confused heart - and the touch jolted through him.

"I know a part of you isn't ready, Chris," Darren said with a shaky voice after a while. "And I would never ask you for something you're not prepared to give. But I need to tell you how I feel or else I'll go crazy." Chris licked his lips and gave a small nod. His heart was pounding and he couldn't take his eyes off of Darren. "You know I like you and that I have feelings for you - it’s hard for me to hide that and I don't want to either,” Darren stated. “I feel a connection with you that I can't explain. I just know it's there, messing with my sanity, you know.“ He took another shaky breath. “But to me you are more than a summer fling and I want _this_ to be more than a sweet memory. I want to _be_ with you, to be your boyfriend and to know all the things about you that you’ll let me. I want to earn your trust and make you feel safe.” Darren’s eyes were begging, not like when he wanted Chris to sing with him or spend an afternoon together, more like he was holding his heart out in front of him. Chris brushed his thumb over Darren’s hand, trying to encourage him in a way he couldn’t do with words and held on tight, intertwining their fingers even more until he felt safe saying anything. 

“Darren, I suck at romance,” he said quietly. “I mean really suck.”

“Like how?” Darren asked and waited patiently as it took Chris some time to get around the answer.

“I get mean if I feel trapped or if I feel a boyfriend expects too much of me,” he confessed. “I don’t like being hovered over and once I lose myself in writing I turn into this horrible monster that doesn’t want to get poked.”

The spark in Darren’s eyes dimmed and he blinked a couple of times. “Which means I’ve done all the things you hate,” he said defeated, about to pull his hand away.

Chris’ eyes grew big in puzzlement before he fully understood Darren’s reaction. Then he held on to their connected hands. “It may look that way ... but the thing is ... that with you everything's different. I … feel lost when you’re not around. I don’t get to write enough because we spend so much time together, but I can’t write alone either without wanting you to be there. You’re messing with my creativity, you break up my scheduled life in a way I haven’t allowed anyone to do before … and I like it. I enjoy every moment we spend together … and I can’t say _no_ to you because such a big part of me always screams _yes_.” His chest began heaving because this was so much more than he had planned to say. “But it scares me, too. I’m afraid to get dependant on you; to lose myself in this force of nature that you are. And I’m scared of losing _you_ or fucking up for real and see you leave my life … just as fast as you have entered it.”

Darren’s eyes softened. “I get it, Chris. I really do and I’ll stay in your life for as long as you want me to. I’ll wait for you.”

“What if you end up waiting in vain?" Chris asked. “What if I never get there?”

“I don’t really have a choice,” Darren explained. “I’m in too deep, my heart won’t let me.”

Chris smiled and a flutter of happiness stirred in his stomach. “Can’t help but to pull attention,” he smirked.

Darren dropped his head and laughed. “Okay, so this is where we’re going, huh. Then let me ask you a personal question. Are you attracted to me?”

“Oh god yes!” Chris burst out. Then he blushed. “Shit, that sounded less needy in my head.”

“It sounded perfect in my ears,” Darren replied satisfied. He looked at their connected hands and played with Chris’ fingers. “We'll just be friends then, for now. But do you think we could be the kind of friends that hold hands once in awhile? Because this feels too good to let go of.”

Chris chuckled. “Well I don’t hold hands with any of my other friends, so I guess that spot is available.”

Darren smiled and the spark kicked right in again. “So … Christopher, you’re really attracted to me?”

 

“Now don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“I won’t. I just kind of like that idea.”

“I should have kept my mouth shut.”

“Absolutely not, and we’re just getting started.”

“Meaning?”

“Let’s order something and then I want you to tell me about your boyfriends.”

“Oh god, why?”

Darren shrugged. “I want to know more about you. I don’t need every detail about your sex life but the rest of it.”

“Wow, someone’s getting perky all of a sudden,” Chris sighed.

They ordered a small dish each and when Chris couldn’t stand Darren’s anticipation any longer he decided to face it upfront. “It’s not like there have been a bunch,” he started. “I’ve had two boyfriends; three if a clumsy hormonal encounter in the boy’s bathroom in high school counts. We were scared shitless that our folks would find out.” Chris giggled by the memory. “That was definitely not a successful take off. But then I got accepted to college here in LA and I was determined to get more out of life; explore the options so to speak. So within the first few months I survived several one-night-stands before I decided to try something more solid. His name was Jacob, a science grad that I had absolutely nothing in common with, but he was good looking and had a cute smile. It was quite uncomplicated until he got jealous of Michael, of all people.”

“Didn’t he know Michael was just a friend, not to mention straight?” Darren asked with a frown.

“Of course, but apparently that didn’t matter. I got tired of all the drama anyway, and broke up with him three months later. Sophomore year I met a guy at a private party, Sean, who seemed to be everything Jacob wasn’t; relaxed, cool, slightly interesting. He was five years older than me, a grown-up with a career, financially independent and all. And it was really nice for a while. He took me to dinner and could keep up a conversation that didn’t get boring within ten minutes. But suddenly things were going too fast. He wanted me to move into his apartment and meet his parents. He talked about this bright future we would have together and a marriage down the road. It suffocated me. I was in college, I wanted to work hard and make a career of my own instead of being attached to someone else. I’m very independent that way. It got really ugly at one point, and I felt like a caged animal, I couldn’t breathe.” Chris rubbed the nape of his neck. “After that ordeal I devoted all my time to writing. I cut down on social activity, at least the shallow part of it, and promised myself that I would never lose sight of who I really was and what I want to accomplish in life. So the past year I’ve only been on a couple of dates, that’s all - as boring as it may sound.”

Darren twitched his shoulder. “It doesn’t sound boring, but maybe a little lonely.”

“It is,” Chris admitted. “But up until this summer I’ve counted loneliness as a price I had to pay if I wanted to succeed. And now…,” he hesitated.

“Now what?”

“I _do_ ask myself why loneliness feels like punishment all of a sudden.” He instinctively brushed his fingertips over the back of Darren’s hand and smiled. It felt unfamiliar to be this open about his feelings, but there were no regrets. He cleared his throat. “Your turn Mr. Criss.”

“Oh,” Darren said and hummed. “Um I guess I’m a bit more all over the place.”

“Is that a nice way of saying there have been a lot?”

“No … just that I’ve had both boyfriends and girlfriends.”

“I kind of figured that.”

“You did?”

“Mmm.”

“Wow … well, um, I don’t think I was ever _not_ dating or in love with someone throughout high school, to be honest. Once I even dated a girl without knowing it.”

Chris grimaced. “Talking about a hangover?”

“Could have been, but it wasn’t. Her name was Belinda and I accidentally danced with her at a high school ball. But once the song was over she grabbed me by my shirt and smacked one on me, right on the mouth.” He laughed. “And I just thought _okay, that’s a pretty bold move, but whatever._ The next day she told the entire school that we were dating. The rumor didn’t get to me until two months later, however, and I was just like _what the fuck_? So I had to officially break up with a girl that I’d never asked out or even talked to after the night of that party.”

“Oh my god, was she delusional or what?”

“Nah, I don’t think so, maybe she just had a very vivid imagination. But I dated other girls that I _did_ know about. Then in my junior year I fell head over heels in love with a guy.”

“Had you ever been attracted to guys before that?” Chris asked curiously.

Darren nodded. ”I just hadn’t thought that much about it, you know, but Caleb, he made my blood rush and my heart sing. We dated for about three months openly until he graduated and left San Fran. I think he was my first true love, to be honest. Then the two first years here in college I was kind of living the wildlife. One night stands, casually dating, just generally enjoying life.”

“What happened to the wildlife junior year then?”

Darren actually blushed for a brief moment. “I guess I slowed down; wanted more than random encounters.”

Chris squinted thoughtful. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“What’s the story about you and Caitlyn? Have you guys ever dated?”

“God no … I mean no. She’s just a little persistent.” Darren released a deep sigh. “She was a transfer from Arkansas sophomore year and she has been on to me from day one. First I was kind of flattered, but that wore off pretty fast. I’m the one she pursues when she hasn’t got anyone else to pay attention to. And sadly this is one of those times. But she’s harmless and she knows it will never happen.”

“Are you sure she knows?”

“Positive. I’ve told her long time ago - but according to Anna, Caitlyn is still hoping I will change my mind.” He connected their hands again. “Chris, I know it bothers you … but you don’t have to worry about her - and Anna is helping me out quite a lot, acting like a buffer from time to time.”

Chris nodded in understanding. “And Anna?” he asked hesitantly even though he felt like putting Darren through a third degree interrogation.

“She’s a friend,” Darren stated calmly. “We’ve been friends since preschool and survived braces and bad-hair-days and unreasonable parents together.”

“But you’ve never crushed on each other?”

“No,” Darren chuckled. “She’s like a sister to me. We confide in each other when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ve always been ready to kick a guy’s ass if he didn’t treat her nicely.”

“Sorry for asking so much.” Chris said embarrassed.

“I don’t mind, really, it tells me that you care and _that_ gives me a lot of hope.” Darren squeezed his hand. “Any other questions?”

Chris bit his lip. “No, I’m good for now.”


	7. To Fall Asleep

 

"I have a suggestion," Darren said one day, not long after their talk at the cafe. It was Friday afternoon and later they would join the rest of the group for a night in town.

 

"About?" Chris asked.

 

"You say that you don’t get to write enough; that you basically can’t write with or without me, right?"

 

"Don’t flatter yourself, Criss."

 

Darren moved closer and whispered; "But we both know it’s the truth."

 

Chris closed his eyes and smiled. "Go on."

 

"What if you came home to my place tomorrow and brought your computer. I’ll set up a place where you can write and I’ll be as quiet as a mouse, not disturbing you one bit. Then when you feel you’re done writing, we’ll eat something and watch a movie."

 

Chris met the boyish stare. It was such a nice gesture that he didn’t really know what to say at first.

 

"You will not hear a word from me," Darren repeated, afraid that Chris would say no.

 

"Okay," Chris said and nodded slowly. "I’m not sure it will work, but it’s worth a shot."

 

Darren bounced. "I know it will. I’ll be like your lucky muse and before you know it, creativity will flow like Niagara Falls."

 

Chris had never been at Darren’s place before. They were always out somewhere and he was looking forward to seeing the apartment. It turned out to be a lot bigger than he had anticipated. Not that it was big, but it was a castle compared to the dorm. There were two bedrooms, a huge bathroom, and a living room connected to a kitchen with a tall table, dimmed spots and bar stools. It was absolutely perfect.

 

“Oh my god,” Chris breathed out, “how can you afford this?” His hand flew up to cover his mouth. “Shit, that’s none of my business at all.”

 

Darren laughed at his embarrassment. “Don’t sweat it. It’s actually my parents place. They’ve had it for ages. My dad had a lot of business here in LA years ago and then it came in handy once I got accepted to college.”

 

“This is _so_ cool.” Chris looked around some more and noticed a desk placed near the window in one end of the living room.

 

“That’s your place,” Darren stated proudly, “or  ... I mean ... you know.”

 

“And you won’t need it today?”

 

“No, I always sit on the couch or in the kitchen … sometimes on the floor.”

 

“Of course,” Chris said, “why use a perfectly nice desk when you have the floor.”

 

“Exactly. And if you will be so kind to follow me to the kitchen I’ll show you something else that’s cool … literally … okay, bad joke.”

 

Chris joined him curiously and watched Darren open the fridge, revealing two shelves packed with diet coke. “Oh god,” Chris chuckled, “how much do you think I can drink?”

 

Darren shrugged slightly. “Then I’ll be prepared if you swing by another day.”

 

“How considerate of you.”

 

“I know!”

 

Half an hour later Chris had unpacked his laptop, adjusted the light and spread out a few handwritten notes that he would need for later. Darren had lent him a pair of expensive headphones that was designed to shut out all sounds. He went through his playlists. The part he was writing today was an intense dialogue between a mother and her son that would escalate into a heated fight; which meant that he needed something up-tempo. He put on the headphones, adjusted the music, and found the script. The key to any dialogue was to find the character’s motivation; what they each wanted to accomplish. He flipped up his notebook and closed his eyes. He knew enough about the mother to understand her motivation. She wanted her son to change. She couldn’t condone his behavior and wanted him to realize that he was making a huge mistake. The viewer’s empathy should go to the son, but he didn’t want the mother to be a villain. She had a reason to react they way she did. He scribbled notes and pointers down in the notebook as fast as he was thinking and before long he had a full page of the mother’s motivation. He ripped the sheet off and got started on the son. The son just wanted to make his own decisions, even if they weren’t the best ones. He wanted to learn from his own mistakes instead of his mother’s life experiences. Another sheet was full only minutes later. He returned to the computer and started the conversation. The sentences came to him quicker than he could type and he kept full focus, afraid to lose anything along the way.

 

The first time he looked up, two hours had passed. Darren was sitting on the couch, listening intensely to something as he bobbed his head to the beat. Sometimes his fingers would find chords on an invisible guitar and he would write something down. Chris smiled to himself. This was actually working. _They_ were working. He popped his fourth can of coke and dived into the first read-through.

 

The second time he returned to the surroundings in the living room it was because something smelled delicious. He removed the headphones from his warm ears, stretched sore and tired limbs until joints cracked and muscles relaxed again. Darren was stirring in the kitchen and Chris realized it was close to dinner time. He tip-toed closer and smiled at Darren’s crazy dance moves as he reigned over pots and pans until Darren caught sight of him.

 

“Oh, hey, beautiful, you must be starving by now so I figured I’d get started out here.”  Chris hadn’t realized it before, but his stomach did demand something to eat real soon. Darren poured him a glass of wine and prompted him to sit at the counter. “So did you get anything done?” he asked in anticipation.

 

“I can’t remember the last time I’ve written that much in one afternoon, actually” Darren smiled from ear to ear and Chris laughed into the glass. “I feel like an experiment.”

 

“You are … or this is, I mean. I’m happy you got to write, just like you wanted.”

 

Chris caught a glimpse of a simmering sauce in one of the pots. It looked promising. “I didn’t know you could cook.”

 

“Oh this, I’m not sure if it’s cooking. I keep it simple, but sometimes I need more than take-out you know.”

 

“I’m not complaining one bit,” Chris assured. “I’m impressed actually.”

 

Darren blew him a thank you kiss.

 

They ate by the tall table in the kitchen, discussing what Chris had written earlier and what the catch line of his spec script was. It was all very serious until it wasn’t anymore because Darren was going out on a limb. The moment he pitched an episode taking place in space; with a feel of Desperate Housewives for aliens, Chris truly lost it and exploded with laughter. There was no coming back from that and the storyline kept building between the two of them throughout the rest of the evening.

 

Later Darren put on a movie and they got comfortable on the couch, holding hands most of the time - just because they could and because it felt nice. The physical closeness was unspokenly agreed upon and when Darren’s head dropped down on Chris’ shoulder because he was getting tired, Chris didn’t feel like moving an inch. The soft, dark curls smelled like hair products and _Darren_. Chris boldly let his fingers run through the tangled hair, pulling slightly and playing with locks that tended to have their own way. Darren sighed contently and embraced the calm strokes Chris poured all over him. This was overstepping their deal slightly, but Chris couldn’t resist sleepy Darren; a bundle of joy running out of energy and trusting him enough to find rest and peace right there next to him. No words, no worries, just _being together_.

 

Chris gave in to his own heavy eyelids half an hour later, content and not alarmed. Darren didn’t stir until a few hours later where he prompted Chris to get up just long enough for him to flip the couch into a bed. Too tired to do anything else, they lied down next to each other and fell asleep again. Through the night Darren dragged Chris into his arms and the next morning they woke up more or less tangled into each other.

 

“Fuck, I just might have overstepped the boundaries here,” Darren mumbled and loosened his grip around Chris.

 

“No, it’s alright,” Chris said and looked at him with sleepy eyes, subconsciously ruffling his hair to do some damage control on his morning appearance. It’s a nice couch to sleep on.”

 

“Yeah, and I should have let you sleep on it by yourself.” Darren pushed himself up on one elbow and looked genuinely embarrassed.

 

“Look, if I’d had a problem with this I would have kicked you into your own bed, so ease up, Dare,” Chris stated lazily.

 

Darren smiled, “I will sir - but I will also make you breakfast just to show what a gentleman I am.” He jumped up and headed for the kitchen.

 

“I’ll appreciate that at least,” Chris said and stretched before he got up, too. He emptied the coffee table from their used dishes and found Darren staring into the fridge. Chris leaned up against the counter and tilted his head. “Okay, let me guess. You don’t really have any breakfast because half of your fridge is stuffed with diet coke.”

 

“Something like that,” Darren admitted sheepishly. “But I _do_ have cereal.”

 

“I love cereal.”

 

“Cereal coming up then.”

 

“I’m kind of dying for a toothbrush, too,” Chris said cringing his nose. “You don’t happen to have a spare, do you?”

 

“Sure, um look in the left cabinet in the bathroom I have one there that’s still unwrapped.”

 

Chris headed for the bathroom. “Oh, and if you need a clean t-shirt, just grab one in my closet,” Darren shouted.

 

Chris soon found the cabinet and grabbed the extra toothbrush, put a decent amount of toothpaste on it and sighed gratefully when the fresh mint hit his tongue. He could only hope he hadn’t slept with his mouth wide open. With the toothbrush still in his mouth he entered Darren’s room. It felt weird being here, almost like he was an intruder. The bed was made, but other than that the room looked lived in; not messy, just what bedrooms look like when you’re not expecting somebody to spend the night. He looked through the shelves in the closet and found a blue, plain t-shirt. That would do. It smelled nice, with a touch of Darren. He went back to the bathroom, finished up his teeth and pulled off the shirt he had slept in. He looked at himself in the mirror. It was kind of weird that they had slept next to each other and he wasn’t really sure what he was still doing here. It was just so depressing to think about the dorm and trying to get some writing done in the small room with the narrow space. But was this fair to Darren? Wasn’t he taking advantage of Darren’s feelings for him, saying he just wanted to be friends and still give in to this magnetic, insane attraction? He put on Darren’s t-shirt and promised himself that he would take off after breakfast. That would be for the best no matter what.

 

“So what are your plans for today?” Darren asked between two spoonfuls of Cheerios.

 

Chris took his time chewing. “Um, I have to get back to the dorm and write some more.”

 

“You’re welcome to stay here and write, if you like.”

 

Chris pondered as struggling feelings grew from within. “No, I um  ... I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”

 

“It’s not overstaying if I _say_ you can stay, right?”

 

“I know, it’s just that… “

 

“Look, I’m not doing anything today and I don’t have places to go. It’s just another lazy Sunday to me - but if you’d like to get home that’s perfectly fine. It’s just an offer.” Darren didn’t wait for an answer. “Okay I officially smell like shit. I’ll take a quick shower if that’s alright - and just leave the dishes in the sink. No doing dishes on a Sunday; that’s a Darren Criss rule.”

 

Chris chuckled. “I’ll make sure to follow that rule then.”

 

When Darren came back from the shower Chris was typing away on the computer. He had moved from the desk to the couch but was already so caught up in his work that he didn’t see Darren’s satisfied smile when he dropped down on the opposite corner of the couch. He had decided to write for a couple of hours and then head home. That was until he decided to watch a pilot for a promising TV-show that Darren wanted to check out and three episodes later they had fallen asleep.

 

This time Chris curled into Darren’s arms by himself.

 


	8. Until You Kiss Me

 

“Maybe we could do a _lost in translation_ joke,” Michael suggested, “some sort of breaking news in Chinese, or something European. I’ve heard Dutch is quite a challenge.”

 

Chris absentmindedly doodled on the paper in front of him. They had been going at it for an hour and he was sick and tired of everything. “That’s not even funny when people don’t understand Chinese or Dutch,” he pointed out edgy.

 

“The foreign sounds of a different language can be funny even though people don’t get a word of it.”

 

Chris shrugged. “It’s not funny, I’m just telling you.”

 

Michael fiddled with the tennis ball in his hand and started bouncing it up against the wall. “You know, this is the third idea you didn’t even bother to consider for more two seconds.”

 

“What do you want me to do? Am I just supposed to applaud you and say you’re a genius?” Chris knew he was being unreasonable, but a growing restlessness and annoyance was building like Mount Everest inside of him and he couldn’t tame it anymore.

 

Michael dropped the ball and looked at him with his arms crossed over his chest. He squinted. “You know Einstein; I’m not hearing anything of worth from you either.”

 

“Maybe that’s because you talk all the time. How am I supposed to think with all that blabbing going on?” The second the words had left his mouth he knew he had crossed the line.

 

Michael’s eyes turned to ice as he gathered his belongings. “You know, _Christopher_ , give me a call when that stick you have up your ass is gone. I’m done!”

 

“Michael …,” Chris tried regretfully. “I’m sorry …” The words crashed against a slammed door with a message of it’s own. Chris leaned over the table and dropped his head on his arm. He was tired to death and in a terrible mood. He didn’t even know why - not for real anyway. The weekend with Darren had been great; a little too great. With only two weeks left in acting-class their time together suddenly seemed so limited. Once the new semester would begin they would be trapped in different classes, picking up the hectic senior life with whatever obligations the last year in college would bring. Would they keep on seeing each other? Would they stay friends or eventually become more? And what would happen if Darren suddenly found someone else; if he decided he wouldn’t wait for Chris after all? The thought alone made him sick to his stomach and rock solid jealousy flared up like a little monster residing in his soul. With heavy limbs he collected his stuff from the classroom that he and Michael had been granted when they were working on their contribution to the finale show. Darren would be tied up all afternoon with a matinee kind-of-a-thing with some of the Musical Theater guys.

 

He put the bag on his shoulder and closed the door quietly behind him. He owed Michael the _biggest_ apology. They didn’t always see eye to eye on everything, but they had always considered that a strength in their friendship. But it had _never_ been this nasty and it was his fault entirely. Like a zombie he dragged himself back to the dorm and dropped down on the bed. He would get to Michael as soon as possible; he just needed to lie down for a minute or two.

 

* * *

 

 

When he woke up again it was 5 in the afternoon and he was utterly confused. How could he have slept for so long? How could he have wasted an entire day like this? He got up from the bed in hurry and checked his phone. Nothing from Michael, but two missed calls from Darren. He called immediately.

 

“Hey gorgeous,” Darren said the minute he picked up.

 

Chris smiled and felt grounded, like everything in the world would be alright again. “Hey.”

 

“I was getting worried about you. Have you and Michael worked your asses off?”

 

“Um no … not exactly. I was actually being a douche bag earlier on so he shut the door in my face and left, which means I really need to go find him now and apologize.”

 

“Wow, you want to talk about it?”

 

“Nope. I don’t feel like pinning out my stupidity - and Michael and I will work it out.”

 

Darren paused. “Does that mean I don’t get to see you today at all?”

 

Chris closed his eyes and felt the absence of Darren pounding through his body. How had it come to this? How is it even possible to know someone for such a short amount of time and still have this overwhelming need to just _be_ together? And if he felt this way now, how would it be once the summer was over?

 

“Chris are you there?” Darren sounded worried.

 

“Yes, yes I’m here. Look, I’ll call you back later and then we can meet up at the cafe.”

 

“Sounds great.” They both got quiet. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Darren asked gently.

 

“Yeah, I’m just … I don’t know, I’m a bit stressed out by reality, that’s all.”

 

“Chris, promise me you’ll be at the cafe, right?”

 

Chris forced his tone of voice to lighten up. “I promise and stop worrying about me, my mother does that perfectly well.”

 

Darren laughed. “I hear ya.”

 

* * *

 

Michael lived in a dorm on the opposite end of campus, but he and Chris could get to each other pretty quickly. So it didn’t take long for Chris to walk the humbling steps to his friend’s door. He knocked politely.

 

“Who’s there?” the deep familiar voice asked.

 

“It’s Chris - the douche bag.”

 

“I don’t let douche bags in,” Michael grunted.

 

“But this douche bag comes with a six-pack,” Chris tried.

 

The door opened a couple of inches and Michael squinted through the gap. “You better not be talking about your abs.”

 

Chris lifted the pack of beer as proof and the door was pushed open to let Chris inside. Michael was in the middle of a lethal battle on his play station, but he turned off the TV and sat down, just watching Chris. He obviously didn’t intend to make this easy. Chris faced him and felt guiltier than ever.

 

“Michael there is _no_ excuse for my behavior today and I’m really, really sorry,” Chris stated. “I was in the worst mood _ever_ but I should never have taken it out on you. I hope you can forgive me.”

 

Michael nodded slowly. “Sure buddy, but first of all those beers don’t drink themselves and second of all, _bad mood_ my ass - can we please talk about the real issues here?”

 

Chris smiled a little puzzled and handed Michael a can. “What are you getting at?”

 

Michael popped the beer and drank a sip. Then he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and sighed. “Look, I have been walking on eggshells about you and Darren; no comments, no teasing, no jabs - and I’ve done that out of courtesy; a rare quality of mine. Just don’t call whatever happened this morning nothing but a _bad mood_ alright.”

 

Chris watched his friend respectfully. As goofy and incoherent Michael could be he was always spot on about emotional issues. He leaned back in the armchair and gulped down half his can. “Okay, shoot,” he then said.

 

“You are scared shitless about what will happen in two weeks when this summer bubble bursts and everything in your life turns into tight schedules and deadlines again,” Michael said. “A real _Chris_ thing to do would be to forget all about Darren and get on with your focused road to a career. And it’s usually not a problem for you - but Darren is different and you don’t know what to do with him.”

 

Chris closed his eyes. It was not that he denied the truth in what Michael was saying, but it was so much harder to hear it spoken out loud by somebody else and not just rumbling around in his head. “What _can_ I do?” he asked desperately and faced Michael’s inquiring expression again. “I mean we could try to continue the friendship and pretend that is was all we were supposed to be, but it wouldn’t make sense to Darren.”

 

“Or … you could take a chance, go all the way and have an honest-to-god relationship with the man, Colfer!”

 

Chris rubbed his temples as he tried to hold on to all the arguments against a serious relationship at this time of his life. Arguments he had built up over the past two years.

 

“It doesn’t get better than Darren,” Michael continued stubbornly. “I’ve seen the two of you together and if I were you I wouldn’t count on meeting someone that can match you the same way he can.”

 

“I know,” Chris mumbled, “I know that. But if it’s that simple then why am I not jumping all over the place in happiness, giving him what he wants the most? Why can I not escape the need to hold back and protect myself?”

 

Michael narrowed in on him. “Because this one can hurt you like shit and break your heart into a million pieces - and you’ve never been in that position before. That’s why!”

 

* * *

 

As promised Darren was waiting at the cafe and Chris watched him through the window before he entered. He was on his phone, probably watching something on YouTube judging by the way he silently laughed and shook his head. Chris couldn’t hold back a smile as he pushed the door open and quietly walked closer.

 

“So you’re just wasting your time watching people make fools of themselves I see,” Chris said as he had succeeded in sneaking up behind Darren.

 

“Fuck, you scared me,” Darren said half laughing and hugged him; one of those hugs that sit with you long after the physical connection has been broken. “There’s something funny about other people’s misfortune; especially when they post it online themselves with a dream of having millions of hits.” Chris sat down and their hands immediately found each other. “It’s been a long day, huh.”

 

“Long as a year,” Chris answered.

 

“And you and Michael are alright?”

 

“Yeah, he’s a forgiving guy and he calls me out on my shit when it’s needed.”

 

“And was something needed?”

 

“Maybe,” Chris said tired. “But let’s talk about something cheerful instead. How has your day been?”

 

“I have endured an entire day with Caitlyn around.”

 

“Just her?” Chris felt his jealousy monster stir again. He would soon have to name that little fella with all the disgruntling going on inside.

 

“God no, there were five of us trying to come up with something for the finale show and as long as Anna is there it’s fine.”

 

“Did you come up with something then?”

 

“Yeah, it might sound a little corny but we’re working on a Harry Potter thing.”

 

Chris smiled. “Harry Potter will never be corny, random maybe, but cool.”

 

They talked for another hour or so but it didn’t ease up the knot of confusion Chris had been struggling with all day. They went outside to say goodnight to each other and Darren held him tight, like he was trying to hug some encouragement into Chris. When he slowly let go again their faces were so close that Chris could feel the warmth from Darren’s breath. It was a moment of weakness on Darren’s behalf when he leaned closer until their lips almost touched. But Chris panicked and withdrew. “I’m … I’m sorry Dare. I just … “

 

For a split second hurt showed like a shadow in Darren’s beautiful eyes. He stepped back. “No, don’t say anything. I shouldn’t push you. I  um …” He stumbled upon his words and shot Chris a brave smile that still was nothing but sad. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Then he disappeared.

 

Chris spun around and watched him leave. “Darren,” he yelled, trying desperately to find something to say that would make everything alright between them; something that would make Darren laugh, but he was already gone.

 

* * *

 

Chris ran all the way back to the dorm; running until he couldn’t breathe and a side stitch burning underneath his ribs stopped him. How could he be so fucking stupid! Hadn’t he dreamt about kissing Darren for weeks already? Hadn’t he imagined his muscular naked body wrapped around him every night he was going to sleep? He kicked an empty can in fury, only to find out that someone had filled it with stones. With a howl he jumped around on one leg swearing like a sailor through clenched teeth. This day would go down in history as the worst day ever! It was nemesis kicking his ass for hurting the two people that mattered most to him right now. He limped inside, closed the door behind him and dropped down on his bed. All anger got replaced with sadness as his breathing settled down again. He had to call Darren; he _had_ to make everything right. If they didn’t talk about this tonight he wouldn’t get any sleep at all. He hit speed dial and let it ring. “Pick up, pick up, pick up,” he said frantically but got nothing but Darren’s cheerful voicemail. He tried three times with shaking hands and a pounding heart. Darren never left his phone. It was attached to him like an extra limb growing from the palm of his hand. Chris had never called in vain since they exchanged phone numbers. The fourth time he left a message.

 

“Hey Dare, I don’t know where you are right now or why you’re not picking up, but _please_ call me back when you hear this. I really, really need to talk to you.”

 

It was in the darkness - lying in bed just waiting for Darren to call back - that he truly felt the impact of what had happened. Sweet, beautiful, warm hearted Darren, who had adored him from the very beginning and had made him feel more special than anyone he had ever met, was not returning his calls. And the mere thought of losing him was too hard to bear.

 

 

 

 


	9. 24 Hours In Hell

 

Chris didn’t sleep. Whenever he was about to drift off his body forced him back to the surface just to check his phone. The thought that something could have happened to Darren struck his mind occasionally, but deep down inside he knew this was Darren asking for a break. Hours passed by agonizingly slow as insomnia took complete control of every thought. He was hurting badly inside and would have given anything just to be hugged by Darren; disappear into his arms and be assured that they were alright. Tears broke through his eyelashes and continued down his cheeks like a stream breaking its way through new land. He was used to emotional pain and had always known how to protect himself and hide behind a fortress of impenetrable steel. But this pain was different, much more distinct, plunging deep into his soul.

Hadn't Michael said it all? _Don't count on meeting someone that will match you this well ever again._ He stared at his silent phone for the 100th time and knew it was stupid to believe Darren would call before they were to meet in class.

He gave up around 5 in the morning, opened his laptop and let the light from the screen hit his tired eyes. He had a session with his mentor Judy Gabriel this afternoon and he still hadn’t mailed her anything of significance. Exhausted to the bones he dragged whatever his brain would offer him into an essay. He hardly knew what he was writing and there was no way that Judy would be satisfied with the effort. After one page he gave up more or less and mailed the mess to the former professor.

Only one thing dragged him out of bed and kept him on his feet; he needed to get to class and see Darren. A quick shower and a Diet Coke later he took off, clutching his phone all the way. Even though he took a detour, he still arrived early and offered Mrs. Nolan to help set the chairs up. Half an hour later the first students filed into the room, small talking with coffee cups attached to their hands. Chris’ eyes were glued to the door. Darren would usually be last minute or a bit late, apologizing with a huge beautiful smile, but when Mrs. Nolan said good morning to begin the lesson and Darren still hadn’t showed, a big empty hole spread from his stomach to the rest of his body until it had engulfed him completely.

Mrs. Nolan checked off everyone on her chart, mumbling along the way until she looked up frowning. “I see we’re missing Darren, has anyone heard from him?” Chris looked to Anna for help, but she only shook her head and shrugged.

Caitlyn put her hand up. “Mrs. Nolan, Mrs. Nolan. I’ll call him when we have the first break. The cute dork probably overslept,” she gushed with an eye roll.

Chris should have been annoyed as usual, but instead hope stirred in him. If Caitlyn succeed in reaching Darren, Chris would simply walk down to his apartment and knock down the door. He would not back off gently or go down without a fight. But by lunch it became obvious that there were still no news and he turned to Anna for help.

“Were you guys having some sort of fight yesterday?” she asked once Chris had explained his concern.

“Not a fight per se but I know I upset him,” Chris answered. “Is it like him to just stay away?”

Anna blew a strand of hair away from her forehead as her eyes lingered on Chris. “Darren is a curly bundle of joy as you already know; very social and he loves spending time with friends. But once in awhile he needs to get away for a day or two to reload so to speak.”

“Is that what he’s doing?” Chris asked hopefully.

“Probably.” She smiled. “Meeting you has been quite a whirlwind for him, you know.”

“ _I_ have been a whirlwind?” Chris asked in disbelief. “If I’m a whirlwind, he’s a freaking tornado!”

She laughed. “What a metaphor.” Then she stroked his arm. “Look, whether you like or not you’ve made an impact on him and there’s a possibility that this is a breather. But I wouldn’t worry. He’ll call back eventually and if I hear from him first, I’ll let you know. I promise.”

“And what if Caitlyn hears from him first? That would really break my heart,” he added drily.

Anna hid a smile. “First of all, he won’t and second of all, if he did, everybody would know about it within seconds.”

He sighed. “So are you saying I should just stay put?”

“That’s what I’m saying. He’ll call you, I promise, nothing can keep him away from you.”

“Maybe. I’m just so scared that I’ve fucked up everything.”

She hugged him. “You haven’t.”

* * *

 

The rest of the day went by blurred by eyes that wanted to close and a body begging to lie down. But he stayed - just in case Darren would show up. At four in the afternoon he walked with heavy feet to the resident of Mrs. Judy Gabriel. When he was a freshman they had always met in one of the classrooms at school, but after an incident that had made it difficult for Judy to walk very far she had invited him home instead. She lived in an exclusive area of LA with huge mansions and celebrities living door by door. But while most houses were hidden behind fences and extra security, Judy was a firm believer of hospitality and trusted her beloved dogs to make enough noise if someone uninvited was entering the property. Chris knocked on the huge wooden door with the door knocker. He hoped the lesson would be cut short even though the idea about meeting during the holiday had been his. But hope escaped him like a runaway train the minute Judy opened the door. She looked sharp and bright in her colorful chiffon tunic with her favorite lapdog, a lazy delicate Chihuahua named Noodles, in her arms. Her blue piercing eyes narrowed in on him.

"Hello Christopher, what a pleasant surprise. I almost thought you'd stay away judging by the poor quality of the essay you mailed me early this morning."

Chris slouched and dragged his feet inside. She was definitely not letting him off the hook for this one. "Yeah, it wasn’t my brightest," he confessed, "but I hadn’t slept all night if that’s a decent explanation."

"Oh, it’s not," she clarified. "I’ve seen you write better than this with both your hands tied behind your back and nothing to eat for a week."

“Well, that’s an honest opinion at least.” He sat down on her couch and embraced himself for whatever might come. But instead of bringing the essay and her computer she handed him a glass of wine before she sat down in front of him. The change of routine threw him off guard. “Was my essay so horrible that you have to get me drunk before I can handle the truth?” he asked.

She took a sip of wine, put the glass back on the table and with crossed legs and folded hands she looked at him with an analyzing stare. “Do you care to tell me why you are so off your hinges or should I pretend to be wrong about that?”

Chris met her eyes. As far as he was concerned she was an endless well of wisdom and life well lived and he trusted her with all he had, but it was still hard for him to show this new vulnerable side that he was experiencing these days. He closed his eyes and felt the burning sensation of tiredness and tears pressing on.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, dear, you know that,” she said mildly. “But for some reason you have decided to show up at my doorstep today despite your condition and that’s hardly a coincidence.”

He took a deep breath and let all tension find a release in the exhale. “I don’t know … I’m just … I’ve been a complete jerk, that’s all and I’ve ruined something that I don’t know how to fix again.”

 

She listened carefully. “Go on.”

Chris hesitated before the confession finally found its way to his mouth. “I’ve met this guy.”

The corner of Judy’s mouth lifted into a knowing smile. “I figured that much.”

“Really?” He glanced at her. “How?”

“Only heartache can haunt a spirit that way.”

“Sometimes you scare me, Judy, you know that?”

“I know. Anyway, tell me about the lucky guy.”

“I don’t know if he’s that lucky,” Chris mumbled and didn’t know what else to say until Judy decided he needed some help.

“Where did you meet?” She asked.

“We’ve met in summer class.”

“The acting class you’re taking?”

He nodded. “His name is Darren, he’s a musician, majoring in Musical Theater, a junior like me … and the sweetest, funniest, most adorable guy I’ve ever met.” He paused again.

“But he doesn’t feel the same about you?” Judy guessed, trying to help him move forward.

“It’s the opposite actually,” Chris said. “He’s crazy about me and I really, really, really like him too.”

She frowned. “Then why the sad face?”

“Because something is holding me back,” Chris answered, “and now I’ve hurt him and potentially lost him forever.” He rubbed the nape of his neck. “There must be something wrong with me because this is fucked up.”

Judy leaned forward and watched him closely. “How serious is this, Christopher? Is it just a summer fling - a guy who will eventually be a nice memory, or … is he worth fighting for?”

“Oh, he’s worth fighting for, for sure,” Chris answered more wholeheartedly than anticipated.

“What makes him worth fighting for?” she asked.

Chris smiled shyly. “He’s just amazing; he lives life like every day was his last. He laughs easily and always seems to see the good in people around him instead of expecting the worst. He can be like a bouncing, silly child one moment, and the next moment share some deep thoughts with you about things that blow your mind. He makes me laugh till I can’t breathe and say the most random, weird things that for some reason makes perfect sense to me. When he sings you can’t help listening with all your heart because he chooses to share a piece of himself with you and it couldn’t be more beautiful.” He looked back at Judy with blushing cheeks, embarrassed by the intensity of his words. But she returned the warmest smile he had ever seen on her face.

“That’s no summer fling, Christopher,” she stated. “That’s love, pure and simple.”

“Then why can’t I show him?” Chris asked desperately. “Why can’t I just take him in my arms and tell him that I care?”

She hummed. “Do you want to hear the truth or will you keep guarding your life from real hurt and unpredictability?”

Chris ran his fingers through his hair. “I told you he was worth fighting for,” he said determined. “I want the truth.” He bit his lip nervously. “Um ... just break it to me gently, will you?”

“Sure love,” she said, rolling her eyes overbearing. “The way you live your life, Christopher, the way you plan your career, even the way you write, you like to control things; you like to plan the outcome. And that’s not a bad thing in itself, but if you _never_ let go, if you _never_ take a chance it will paralyze you.”

“Are you saying that I never take chances?” Chris asked wondering.

“Not never, but you sure don’t like it. You like working hard, keeping your eyes on the prize. Whenever things get unpredictable you withdraw to calculate the casualties.”

“So I’m basically a control freak. Jeez, you make me sound so … charming,” he stated dryly.

“You are, Chris.” Judy smiled. “If you weren’t, this Darren would never have looked your way, would he? There’s just so much more to you than what you let other people see. I’m not saying you should change who you are, but don’t miss out on the unpredictable things in life out of fear, because sometimes they are the most beautiful ones.”

“I know, I know, I just … he can break my heart.”

“But maybe he won’t. Maybe he will be the best thing that has ever happened to you,” she argued. “Yes you guys will fight sometimes and let each other down once in awhile because you’re only humans. But the heights, honey, the victories, how two people can conquer their own little piece of the world, is worth the hardship and the casualties. Take it from someone who knows.”

Chris’ eyes welled up when the tight knot in his stomach let go a little by her words. “If Darren is anything it’s definitely unpredictable and I guess that’s one of the things I really like about him.” He eyed the essay on the table between them and sighed. “Do you mind throwing that in the trashcan and then I’ll write you another?”

“That’s a deal, but I don’t want _anything_ from you before the semester begins. Do you hear me? Try to get some rest and enjoy life a little. It’s called holiday for a reason, darling.”

* * *

 

When Chris had returned to the dorm after eating dinner with Mrs. Judy - she insisted - he was breathing a little easier and his heart was beating a little stronger. That night he decided to sleep without the phone in his hand and put it back on the night stand. He couldn’t do anything until Darren was ready to call back, but he trusted Anna enough to believe that he _would_ call back.

When the phone finally rang it was in the middle of the night and Chris had been sound asleep. Butcit still only took him a split second to wake up and answer. 


	10. Here For You

"Darren is that you?" Chris asked with a beating heart and the phone pressed against his ear.

"Yeah it’s me … and I know it’s a shitty time to call, but … I just needed to hear your voice ... and I … fuck I can’t.” He suddenly began sobbing and it sounded like the deepest pain expressed without words. Chris panicked. Something was terribly wrong.

“Darren where are you? What happened?” he asked frantically.

Darren tried to say something while he was crying but he stumbled on every sentence and Chris only caught a few words like mom, afraid and sorry. “Darren, please, please, you have to slow down,” he begged. “I can’t understand a word. Take a deep breath and calm down. I don’t know what has happened, but I’m here to help you any way I can.” Chris listened intensely but got nothing but snuffling and words barely making sense. He softened his voice. “Darren, listen to me. Can you do that?”

“Yeah,” Darren sniveled, clearly struggling.

“You need to calm down. Whatever has made you this upset and sad will be less overwhelming once you tell me about it. So, close your eyes and focus. Slow down your breathing. Do that for me, baby.” He heard a long shuddering exhale from the other end of the line and sobs easing up as Darren got a grip on himself.

“I’m sorry,” he finally whispered. “I shouldn’t burden you like this.”

“You could never be a burden, Darren,” Chris assured gently. “Now tell me what has happened. I’ve been worried about you.”

“I know and sorry for not calling you back,” Darren said and took another deep breath when his voice was cracking again. “I um … it’s about my mom.”

“Has anything happened to her?”

“Yeah, she um … had a heart attack yesterday.” He started crying again, but this time it was quieter. “She was with my dad, making dinner, when she suddenly felt weird and she hardly managed to tell my dad before she collapsed.”

Chris could feel his heart break for Darren, carrying the pain with him. “Oh god, I’m so so sorry to hear that, Dare.” More deep breaths. Chris let the silence between them settle.

“Fuck, I haven’t cried all day … then I hear your voice and I’m suddenly reduced to this mess!"

“I don’t mind mess.”

“You don't?"

“No, not at all. Will she be alright?”

“We don’t know yet. My dad called me right after we split at the cafe. And I just jumped into my car and drove straight to San Francisco. I was so scared, Chris, all the way I prayed that God - or whoever is taking care of all our shit - would spare her life, you know.”

“Of course.”

“And when I came to the hospital she was stabilized and monitored closely. By then everything seemed okay. They kept her unconscious to give her body maximum rest. But all of a sudden … earlier this evening … she got really, really bad.” Darren’s voice broke again. “And they had to take her to surgery ASAP … and now we don’t know what will happen. We’re just waiting for someone to tell us how she is.” He cried again. “It’s so fucking stupid right? You spend your entire youth breaking free, learning to take care of your own shit. But at the end of the day you just know that your folks will be there for you in a heartbeat if you need them. And I … I just … I can’t lose her, Chris. I just can’t.”

“Hey, hey, hang in there, baby,” Chris said. “You have to keep hoping and fighting for her. I’m sure she’s fighting her best too, because she doesn’t want to leave either. She knows you’d get yourself in trouble.”

Darren huffed out a sad laugh. “True, I would be sooo fucked up without her. That’s honest man.”

“What about your dad and your brother, how are they doing?”

“My dad tries to be strong, but I can tell he is falling apart and Chuck ... Chuck gets very practical. He’s the one making sure we eat and the one who googles every term the doctors throw at us, you know. And I … I just …”

“You keep their spirits up, because that’s a gift you have; a truly amazing gift,” Chris finished for him.

“You make it sound so simple.”

“It’s not and I know that, Darren, but you’re a lot stronger than you think.”

“Thank you for saying that.”

“I’m not just saying it, Darren, I really mean it. I sometimes envy your open mind and how you believe in the good stuff, you know. And that’s the energy you can feed from in times like these.”

“I will try,” Darren said. Then he pondered. “Have you ever lost someone close to you?”

“I’ve lost my granddad, and my sister was really sick when she was a kid - so we kind of lived our lives with the risk of losing her,” Chris explained.

“I can’t even imagine something like that. Is she okay?”

“Yeah, the kind of epilepsy she has is damaging and she’ll never recover fully, but she is amazing and stronger than anyone else I know. I admire her that way. And she can make me laugh like no one else.” Chris smiled. “Your mom will be alright, Darren, you have to believe that.”

“I know .... I just want to tell her that I love her.”

“She already knows that.”

“But I haven’t told her enough! I need to tell her more. ”

Chris hummed. “I remember one time my sister was hospitalized and the seizures had been going on forever. I was so scared when the ambulance picked her and my mom up. But she pulled through and when I saw her and told her how much I loved her she just said; But I already know that, Bubba, I can see it in your eyes."

“She sounds so sweet. I hope I get to meet her some day.”

Chris closed his eyes and inhaled the hope in Darren’s voice. “I think you will,” he answered quietly. They paused again. Not because there wasn’t anything more to say, but because they needed each other more than words.

“Chris."

"Hmm."

"Do you believe in God and heaven?” Darren asked.

“Um I believe ... in God, but probably in my own way. I don’t always believe in Christianity but that’s a different matter. And I think I believe in heaven, maybe not with streets made of gold and choppy looking angels, but more like a wonderful place where kindred spirits meet and look out for their relatives still living on earth, trying to keep them out of too much trouble.”

“That’s nice. I like your heaven.”

“How about you?” Chris asked. "What do you believe in?" 

“Oh, I definitely believe in something bigger than shitty little me - because otherwise I’d be fucked, you know.” 

Chris could hear Darren was getting emotional again and switched to more practical matters. “How long will your mom be in surgery?” he asked. "Do you know?"

"It can take hours. It all depends on how her body reacts through the procedure."

"Are you home or at the hospital?"

"The staff told us to go home, but we can’t. We all need to be close to her and more family is coming in tomorrow. My dad is trying to sleep in an armchair in her room and Chuck has gone home to get fresh clothes to us all."

"And where are you?" Chris asked, trying to picture Darren in the hospital.

"I'm at this deserted waiting room, lying across four chairs. But I couldn't sleep without talking to you."

"You must be exhausted," Chris said. 

"I am and now I’m exhausting you as well."

"I wouldn’t be able to sleep either. I’d be too worried about you."

"Really?"

"Darren, I know this might seem so insignificant now, but I’m so sorry for what happened the other night," Chris tried.

"Oh god no. I’m the one who should be sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you. It wasn’t a part of our agreement."

"Well I haven’t been sticking to the agreement either so I don’t blame you." Chris braved up. "I miss you." He could hear the smile in Darren’s voice when he answered back.

"I miss you, too."

Chris closed his eyes and wondered how it could be this simple when he had thought it was the hardest thing to do. Because there was nothing above what he felt this very moment.

“Now tell me about your day,” Darren prompted.

“No, you don’t want to hear about that.”

“Yes I do! For hours it’s all been about devastating news and a thousand what-if’s. I need something normal, something predictable.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Well apparently I’m Mr. predictable himself so that will hardly be a problem.”

“Says who?”

“Never mind. My day, um well. I’ve been a zombie, I’ve been eye stabbed by Caitlyn and picked up again by Anna. I’ve been called a control freak and … let me see … oh, yeah, I’ve been scolded by an old lady who told me the essay I wrote was the worst rubbish she’d even seen. And now I’m here.”

Darren laughed for the first time and it was the most beautiful sound Chris had ever heard. “I think I need an interpretation.”

“It isn’t that hard. I was a zombie because I hadn't slept all night.”

“Why?”

“Because ... because I hated the way we parted and I couldn't reach you, which I completely understand now. And the Caitlyn thing, um I think it was important to her that that only one from the class tried calling you - meaning her; and that you weren't spammed with calls from a bunch of people - meaning me.”

“So the ten texts and the ton of messages she left on my voicemail isn't spam?” Darren asked snarky.

“Oh no, how could they be when the two of you are BFF's.”

Darren sighed. “Tell me about Anna instead.”

“It was just nice to talk to someone who knows you so well and she told me that you sometimes need to go away and reload.”

“Hmm yeah, I guess.”

“She really made me feel better and I like her,” Chris stated in agreement.

“She likes you, too. You’ve been preapproved so to speak.”

“I have?”

“Yes.”

“That’s nice to know after all,” Chris chuckled.

“How about the old woman scolding you? I can't figure that one out.”

“The elderly lady,” Chris clarified, “is my tutor and she had every right to scold me because that essay was shitty and I am a control freak. So, I’ve decided I still love her.”

“You’re not a control freak and she sounds a bit harsh to me.”

“Oh, everything she says comes from a place of love.” Chris suddenly chuckled. “I don’t why but somehow I connect really well with older people. They are so reliable and I know they are smarter than me so I don’t have to pretend otherwise.”

“That makes sense,” Darren said giggling. “Fuck I’m so tired that I cry and laugh at the same time.”

“Can’t you close your eyes just for a little while,” Chris suggested. “Chuck will wake you up for sure when there’s something new.”

“Yeah, probably, but I … just don’t feel like hanging up, you know.”

“You don’t have to. I’ll talk to you until you fall asleep.”

“I miss you,” Darren whispered emotionally.

“I miss you too, Dare, now close your eyes.”

“They’re already closed, now I just need you to sing to me.”

“Oh god no that will not happen,” Chris said terrified. “How about a story instead?”

“Hmm, a story is fine too.”

Chris got settled in bed. “I’ll tell you a story that I imagined as a kid when my sister suffered the most.”

“You’ve always been writing, haven’t you?”

“Probably, one way or another. Now do you want to hear it?”

“I’d love to.”

“Okay, there once were a couple of twins, Alex and Conner, who lived alone with their mother.”

“Two boys?”

“No a boy and girl. Alex was smart, she loved to read and to know about things. Conner was more easy going and funny, with a big heart. They had lost their father a year ago and since then the family had struggled financially.”

“Um Chris, is this story supposed to make me feel better?”

“It will, it will,” Chris guaranteed and wished he had left out the detail about the dad. “I just need to get to the good stuff.”

“Okay, go on.”

“Anyway, the twins had this amazing grandmother who told fairytales like no one else. She used to read to them from a beautiful, ancient-looking book and every time she read to them they imagined what it would be like to live in a fairytale world. One day their grandmother gave them the old fairytale book before she had to go away for awhile and soon they discovered something weird about the book; it kind of glowed in the dark.” Darren hummed approvingly. “Alex was the first one to notice it, because let’s face it, Conner wasn't that much into books. But Alex began to experiment with the book and found that things disappeared between the pages, as if the book swallowed them. She told her brother about it and by accident they fell into the book and landed in a fairytale world, a land of stories.”

“This is good, Chris,” Darren mumbled approvingly. “You should totally make this into a children’s book.”

Chris smiled. “Yeah, maybe I will. Okay, the twins were very confused about the fairytale world at first because they didn't know where they were. But then they met a huge walking and talking frog and he helped them out.”

"A frog, Chris?"

"Hmm, a frog named Froggy. "

“Of course.”

“But the frog’s isn't really a frog,” Chris continued.

“No, he’s a cursed prince, right?”

“True, he’s a cursed prince. In reality he has warm golden eyes and dark, curly hair,” Chris explained as he licked his lips and his heart picked up pace.

Darren paused. “But Froggy has to be kissed before he can turn into a prince again, right?"

Chris blushed in the darkness. “It’s a bit more complicated than that, but yes, basically.”

“So will the frog be kissed?” Darren asked.

“Yes, he will be kissed.”


	11. So Far Away

 

Chris had only slept for two hours but he didn’t give a damn because he had talked to Darren; he had been there for him when he needed it the most and that mattered more than any essay or script … or sleep.

 

Michael noticed it right away. "You've talked to Darren," he stated.

 

"How did you know that?" Chris asked suspiciously.

 

"Your face freaking glows, Colfer!"

 

"No it doesn't."

 

"Yes, it does,” Michael grinned. “Is he alright?"

 

Chris smiled and nodded just as Mrs. Nolan started yet another day. He zoned out for a moment and tried a sip of Michael's coffee, hoping it would keep him awake.

 

"Has anybody heard from Darren yet?" Mrs. Nolan asked while Chris was searching for a place to spit out the coffee because it tasted exactly as hideous as he remembered.

 

"No, unfortunately not," Caitlyn answered. "But I'm sure he'll call me back any minute now."

 

Chris swallowed. Certain things were worth drinking coffee for and this was definitely one of them. "Um, I've talked to him," he answered and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Caitlyn's eyes grew big with surprise and envy. "He asked me to say hi and tell you guys that his mom's in the hospital, so he had to go back to San Francisco."

 

"That's terrible," Mrs. Nolan said and put her hand to her chest. "It's nothing serious I hope."

 

"It kind of is. Mrs. Criss had a heart attack and has been in surgery all night. But I talked with Darren again on my way over here and the doctors are optimistic thus far."

 

"Oh, tell him that he and his family are in our prayers," Mrs. Nolan added emotionally.

 

"I will," Chris said smiling. Across from him Caitlyn wouldn't even look his way, but every inch of her body gave her away; she was furious and Chris knew she would take it out on him first chance she got.

 

First chance turned out to be at lunch when, out of nowhere, she cut her way to the counter.

 

"I thought I made it _very_ clear yesterday that Darren didn't need a bunch of people calling him and that I would check up on him." Her arms were crossed tight over her chest as she stared him down, demanding an explanation for his disobedience.

 

He squinted. "Oh, you did, you did, but the thing is that it was Darren calling _me_ and it would have been rude not to pick up, don't you think?"

 

Her lips were reduced to thin lines when she stepped closer and snarled at him. "You think you know all about him after 4 pathetic weeks, but you don't. So leave it to his true friends, those he _really_ cares about to check up on him. When this summer is over he'll forget all about you. Out of sight, out of mind. That's the side of Darren you don't know about. Enjoy your time in the spotlight, because it _will_ be brief.” Then she turned on her heel and disappeared.

 

"Whoa," Michael burst out right next to him; "remind me again why I hit on her the first day."

 

"Because you're a no brainer when it comes to girls, and there's a reason that hitting on someone before you know them is a bad idea." Chris shook his head in disbelief. "But I'll admit that she has stepped up her game."

 

"Why hasn't Darren brushed her off long time ago?" Michael grunted.

 

"He tried; I think he was too polite about it. You know how he is."

 

* * *

 

 

Lunch put some energy back in Chris and when Mrs. Nolan guided them through a bit of theater history and the different genres that had developed throughout time, he found that the writer in him listened carefully. They experimented for awhile with the different guidelines an actor had to be familiar with to hit the right genre, and then they were given an assignment to write a single scene from a selected period or genre. Chris got started right away. He tried not to think too much about Darren, but bits and pieces from their late night talk kept returning. And before he knew it, the first notes about Alex and Conner found their way to his computer. He decided to write a scene for a children’s play and worked through a catchy dialogue with short lines and a high level of energy. Slowly the fairytale world closed around him and prompted him to go a little bit further with every word he wrote and soon he had to give up dialogue and just write ideas because they were coming to him at the speed of lightning. His eyes didn’t even leave the screen when his phone buzzed but when he glanced absentmindedly at the display his focus shifted momentarily. It was a text from Darren. It wasn’t long, but the words stood out like a lighthouse. _My mom’s awake and I’ve just told her that I love her :)_

 

Chris felt tears burn in his eyes out of nowhere. He usually didn’t get this emotional, but his heart jumped with joy by the news. He quietly left the class and went outside for some fresh air. He stared at the words one more time and prayed to _his_ version of God that Darren’s mom would recover completely. He caught the tears from the corner of his eyes abruptly and decided to make a call.

 

"Hi mom," he said and smiled contently when he heard the surprise and happiness in her voice.

 

"Christopher, hi, I was just thinking about you."

 

"I was thinking about you, too," he said.

 

She paused. "Are you okay, honey?" Her tone got a bit worried.

 

"Yes I’m fine mom," he laughed, "I just … I wanted to tell you that I love you and I know I don’t say that enough."

 

"Aww, now I’m going to cry," his mom said softly. "I love you too, son - more than you’ll ever know."

 

* * *

 

Over the next week Darren and Chris talked with each other on the phone every day and usually for a couple of hours at a time.

 

"My family is getting pretty suspicious," Darren said one day.

 

"Does that mean you don't normally talk with your friends for hours?"

 

"Yep, that’s what it means. When I call my friends it’s more like a short message and _I’ll see you._ It's a bit different with you."

 

Chris hummed. "I wouldn’t know how to do short messages with you to be honest. There’s always more I want to know and I can’t help feeling that our time is limited."

 

"It’s not, Chris," Darren said gently. "It doesn’t have to be. I mean it sucks that I’m not in LA right now, but I _will_ be later and so will you I hope."

 

"I’m not going anywhere," Chris replied thoughtful. "Will you come back to watch the final show?"

 

"I don’t know yet. I want to, more than anything ... but I can’t leave before my mom’s home again and I know my dad can manage."

 

"Of course not, and you shouldn’t Darren. I completely understand. I’m happy she’s recovering so well."

 

"Me too. Now she’s even picking on us for not sleeping enough or eating properly."

 

"That’s a good sign," Chris said smiling. "That's what moms are supposed to sound like. What about the credit you needed for the semester?" he then asked. “You’re not going to get that now."

 

"Um ... I’ll figure something out," Darren said. "I’m not too worried about that."

 

Chris sighed. "Now you sound exactly like Michael!"

 

Darren chuckled. "And you sound exactly like Anna."

 

Chris snorted. "That makes sense."

 

"Speaking of Michael and Anna, do you think they have a thing?"

 

"I can’t tell yet," Chris answered. "It looks very _family friendly_ so far, but they do talk a lot with each other."

 

"Well, they’re probably talking about us," Darren suggested.

 

"Oh it would be so like them, wouldn’t it."

 

"Totally." They both giggled. "There's nothing wrong with being family friendly by the way," Darren added.

 

Chris bit his lip. "No, but there’s nothing wrong with being more either." He held his breath.

 

"How much more, Chris?" Darren asked mildly after a while.

 

"I’ll tell you when you get your cute ass to LA. I promise."

 

"You're such a teaser, baby."

 

Chris’ heart began to pound. The endearment that more and more often snuck its way into their conversations hit him straight in his stomach. "I miss you, Dare."

 

"I miss you, too, and I promise I’ll come back to you as soon as possible."

 

"Thank you," Chris whispered.

 

* * *

 

Chris wanted to do something special for Darren as a surprise for the final show and he was working on several ideas until he reluctantly had to admit that one thing in particular would make Darren happy. Chris had to sing for him. As daunting as it appeared to be, he decided to do exactly that. He cleared it right away with Mrs. Nolan and as always the sweet encouraging woman was thrilled with the idea. He practiced for two days with a very patient pianist, who picked him up whenever he felt the task was too overwhelming or the song too demanding. But little by little he conquered and reached an acceptable result, even to his own critical ears.

 

Saturday Night Live was coming together nicely, too, and both Chris and Michael couldn’t wait to present their material to a live audience. Anna had popped by now and then and given them some good pointers and Mrs. Nolan had preapproved their script. They were as ready as they could be.

 

Two days before final day Chris was working on his fairytale book. One wall in his room was plastered with sheets and notes. Ideas were still invading his imagination - and looking things over so far made it clear that the story had to be divided into several books. He picked up the phone when Darren was calling with his eyes still glued on his creative wall.

 

“Hey Darren.”

 

“Hi,” Darren said. “Just calling to talk with my favorite storyteller.”

 

“Oh, he’s not in. You’ll have to do with me,” Chris grinned.

 

“I will not even respond to that. Is everything coming along?”

 

“With the story or the final show?”

 

“The story,” Darren clarified.

 

“The story is doing fine, but it will take years to write it all down I’m afraid.”

 

“I can’t wait to read the first pages. It will be awesome, Chris.”

 

“I hope so. How's your mom today?"

 

"Every day is better ... "

 

"Why do I hear a _but_ hidden somewhere?" Chris asked alarmed.

 

"It's about the final show." Darren hesitated, but Chris knew right away.

 

"You can't make it can you?" Chris asked.

 

"No. It's not that I don't want to. It's just hard to leave my mom. But I will get to LA in the middle of next week."

 

Chris tried his best to hide the disappointment. "It's alright you know. Nothing's more important than your family right now."

 

"Chris, I know you counted on me being there, but please don't go anywhere next week. I need to be with you."

 

"I'm not going anywhere. I’ve already given you my promise," Chris said tired.

 

When they hung up Chris dropped down on a chair. He wanted to be dignified about this, but it was a hard blow for so many reasons. Now Darren wouldn't hear the song that was dedicated to him in person and he wouldn't see the final version of Saturday Night Live and laugh at the newest jokes he and Michael had added. But the hardest part was missing him so insanely. The longing had changed from being a solely emotional strain to becoming a physical pain as well. Darren’s name was the last thing he whispered before he fell asleep and the first thing on his mind when he opened his eyes. He sometimes woke up in the middle of the night, panting with a hard on because Darren had been wrapped around him in a dream or been inside of him. He had never imagined that love and desire could be this way, so overwhelming and completely out of control. It was not that he resented it. It was just so unfamiliar and new.

 

* * *

 

Final day came with all its excitement and bittersweet sense of something good and special almost being over. Last rehearsals were mixed with evaluations and closure. Chris was on edge. He would miss Mrs. Nolan’s lessons and the friendships he had made over the summer and he was ridiculously emotional about Darren’s absence. Michael did his best to cheer him up and Chris appreciated the effort more than anything.

 

The afternoon was packed with dress rehearsals and every group and every number had a certain amount of time on the stage. Late in the afternoon, only hours before curtain call, it was Chris and Michael’s turn to do sound check and get the spots adjusted. Most of the students were hanging out at the auditorium, working as a test audience - and the Saturday Night Live sketch got a _great_ response. Chris finally let go of his heavy heart and dived into every character he was presenting with new energy. The crazier he and Michael got the more their friends rewarded them with cheers and laughter.

 

In the middle of a line that was a complete tongue tying challenge Chris had given himself, a very specific laugh caught his attention completely. He choked on the spot and strained his eyes to see into the dark beyond the spotlight. Then he turned to Michael who pointed his lips to prevent a smile.

 

“Have you forgotten your line, Colfer?" he asked innocently.

 

Chris tried to land on his feet and make the puzzle fit as his heart began to pound ferociously. He quickly switched to a British accent. "I beg your pardon, a Queen never forgets her royal lines."

 

Everybody laughed again and this time Chris knew it for real. Darren was sitting in the auditorium and there was no question in his mind. A rush of relief and joy bubbled from within and he broke character for the second time when he couldn’t prevent a huge smile from splitting his face. His head was spinning and with warm cheeks he looked bewildered at Michael. "Um ... where was I?"

 

Michael shook his head smirking. "Saturday Night Live," he answered; "Hillary Clinton, does that ring a bell?"

 

"Oh, yeah ... of course."

 


	12. A Dedication

 

How Chris even managed to finish the rest of their sketch was a mystery. All he could hear was Darren and nothing else mattered. The minute the big spots were turned off he looked around, searching for the bright golden stare. He found his man at the side of the stage, leaning up against a cardboard wall with his arms crossed over his chest and a big breathtaking smile. He looked gorgeous in tight jeans, a white shirt unbuttoned at the top, revealing soft olive colored skin. His hair looked darker against the bright shirt and his smile more beautiful than Chris remembered. The sight made him spiral into a world where no one else existed as he slowly walked closer. Then he wrapped his arms around Darren’s neck and buried his face in the curls. Darren melted into the hug with one arm on the top of his back and the other around his waist.

 

“You are in _so_ much trouble,” Chris whispered and felt Darren smiling against his neck.

 

“I don’t mind being in trouble,” Darren replied happily, “and did you really think I was going to miss your performance with Michael?”

 

“I sure did,” Chris mumbled, “but I’ve kind of forgiven you already.”

 

Darren let go and caught Chris with his sparkling eyes. “Lucky me then.”

 

Chris instinctively leaned closers, longing so badly to taste Darren’s lips and feeling at home, when a loud scream interrupted them.

 

“Dare, bear, I knew you would make it back in time.”

 

Darren dropped his head. “You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me,” he murmured and the situation was so surreal that Chris couldn’t help giggling.

 

“You have to give her points for timing at least,” he said when Darren couldn’t help smiling either.

 

Then Caitlyn looked around the curtain and threw her arms around Darren. All her squealing attracted attention and soon a gathering of people surrounded Darren, telling him how good it was to have him back and asking all sorts of questions about his mom. Caitlyn managed to hug Darren once more and if she had bashed her eyes more than she already did they could have used her as a fan to cool people down after their performances. Even Mrs. Nolan found her way up on the stage to celebrate Darren’s return.

 

In the commotion Michael and Anna suddenly stood out as possible accomplishes when Chris viewed them. They smiled at bit too knowingly, focusing on him instead of Darren. He approached them with a stern look. “You knew, didn’t you?”

 

Anna tilted her head. “Knew what, sweetie?”

 

Chris squinted. “I get that you could keep quiet, Anna, but Michael, my best friend!”

 

"But you should have seen your face,” Michael said amused. “It was worth a million when you realized Darren was there. I swear.”

 

“So you let me suffer for days just to see my funny face?” Chris inquired.

 

Michael shrugged and high fived Anna. “Pretty much."

 

“Thanks for keeping a secret guys,” Darren said from behind and got a hold on Chris’ hand before he intertwined their fingers. Chris just held tight and smiled until he couldn’t smile any wider.

 

Michael rolled his eyes. “Did you see that? It’s a classic Darren,” he explained to Anna. “Chris forgives him everything.”

 

“I do not,” Chris objected.

 

Darren grinned. “You do, but I don't mind.”

 

The four of them went down to the dining hall for a quick meal before showtime. The excitement and anticipation was palpable all over the place and people chatted and laughed around them. But Chris hardly noticed as he just soaked in the moment, sitting next to Darren. Everything about the amazing guy seeped into his innermost as he tried to hold on to the littlest things; the tone of his voice that sounded happy and carefree, his smile that turned the brightest whenever he was looking at Chris and the subtle way he touched him ever so often. Darren had a way of leaning in to Chris' personal space that made everything between them intimate and Chris rested in the closeness because it made him feel safe and completely taken care off. The bliss was only interrupted once - by Caitlyn - who clearly hadn't given up on anything. So when Darren was going for a second plate she passed him and put a hand on his bicep.

 

"You're sitting with the rest of us during the show, right? I’ll save you a seat," she said sweetly.

 

Darren turned around and smiled. "Oh, you don’t have to, I’m sitting with Chris." Then he moved on.

 

Chris bit his lip and got _very_ busy with his dinner when Caitlyn shot him spiteful glare. But she could eye roll him all she wanted because Darren was _his_ and tonight and at the after party he would make that very clear.

 

* * *

 

 

The auditorium was full and buzzing with life when they returned. Most of the audience was students from other summer classes and friends who had stayed in LA over the summer. Two front rows at the side of the room were reserved to the performers and Michael, Anna, Chris and Darren found four seats next to each other. At 7 o'clock sharp Mrs. Nolan stepped up on the stage as the evenings conferencier and waited for silence.

 

"It is with great pleasure I proudly presents a magnificent finale show with performers from this year’s _Acting Summer Class_ ," she announced. "Tonight you will see it all; sketches, scenes, songs and strange ideas that for some reason work out." Everybody laughed and applauded, which caused a wide smile on the teachers face. This was meant to be a successful night. "I’m not afraid to claim that every single student has been challenged this summer,” she continued. “But let me quote the famous Danish Author Soren Kierkegaard: _To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. Not to dare - is to lose oneself"_

 

Chris wrapped himself around the words for a moment. _Not to dare is to lose oneself._ He had actually considered _not_ to dare falling in love; to turn his back on something very special and beautiful because he didn’t think he was brave enough to stay. He reached for Darren and put his hand on top of his before he laced their fingers together. Darren looked at him, smiling in the dimmed light.

 

"Are you okay," he mouthed.

 

Chris just nodded happily. He had never been better.

 

The first three performances kicked the show off in the best way possible. From a soap opera scene to a recap of the never known musical _good-girls-gone-bad_ and a new version of _Don't cry for me Argentina_ \- that turned out to be breathtakingly beautiful. Everything was a joy to watch. Not just because of the performances but because of the friendships that had been born along the way. As a class they all knew each others weaknesses because they had been on display throughout the different exercises Mrs. Nolan had given them. But this night there were no weaknesses; no uncertainties or lack of self esteem; this night they all conquered the stage.

 

On a cue from Mrs. Nolan Chris and Michael went backstage ten minutes before their sketch. They checked up on every wig and ran through the clothes hanging on the portable rag they were supposed to bring on the stage.

 

And then they just waited.

 

"Does Darren know about your song?" Michael asked.

 

"Nope," Chris answered. "Unless you've told him, of course."

 

"Me? I haven't said a word."

 

"Really?"

 

"Hey, haven't I just proved that I can keep a secret?"

 

"Well, I guess he doesn't know then."

 

Michael side eyed Chris. "Don't you think it will make you more nervous knowing he is in the audience?" Chris shifted the weight between his feet. "I mean it's a lot of people out there just listening to your voice and now he will be there too," Michael continued teasingly. "I'm just saying."

 

"Oh fuck off, Michael," Chris said and bumped his shoulder just as they heard Mrs. Nolan announcing their names.

 

"Let's kick ass Colfer," Michael mumbled.

 

"Yeah, let's."

 

To step into the spotlight was exhilarating and Chris and Michael fueled each other with energy from the very start.  Who would have thought that two writers, who usually were buried behind their computers, could rule the stage like kings? Their timing was impeccable and their punch lines perfectly performed - and the audience rewarded them graciously. Those who hadn't seen the sketch before laughed because it was funny and those who had already seen it laughed in anticipation of what they knew would come. Darren still laughed the loudest and Chris loved him for it.

 

Backstage the two friends giggled and high fived each other on their success. It was the highlight of all their work, the hours of brainstorming and juggling ideas, finishing up along the way.

 

"Best.Summer.Ever!" Chris stated so high on adrenaline that he couldn't come up with a better phrase.

 

"Definitely," Michael gasped. "Next stop is world domination."

 

"I'm in," Chris said as they hugged.

 

They couldn't return to their seats before they had calmed down a little so they evaluated their performance for awhile; what had worked out, what had missed and what had been pure paddling because something unexpected had happened. When they heard the applause for the next number they snuck back in. Darren and Anna received them with beaming smiles.

 

“That was just so fucking awesome,” Darren gushed quietly as Anna gave them thumbs up.

 

“Thank you,” Chris whispered proudly.

 

“Now you can relax and enjoy the rest of the show,” Darren said.

 

Chris stared innocently at him. “Yes, yes, now I’m just … all relaxed. Not a care in the world.”

 

From _that_ point he was on pins and needles. His song was the last performance and he couldn’t by any means understand why he had agreed to that. His palms got so damp and sweaty that he had to let go of Darren’s hand more than once just to dry them off in his pants. With two numbers left his mouth turned as dry as the Sahara Desert and he looked desperately for a bottle of water he knew he had in his bag.

 

“Are you okay?” Darren asked

 

“Yes, yes, I’m just … thirsty,” Chris explained. “I um … I’ll be back in a second.”

 

“Okay, but hurry up, or you’ll miss too much of the show.”

 

“I will,” Chris promised. Then he quietly left the seat and once he was sure Darren wasn’t looking he went backstage. A couple of girls, who were up next, were preparing and they hardly noticed Chris. He began pacing the floor, just to loosen up. Then he stretched his neck and payed attention to his breathing. Steady and calm; breathe in, breath out. If this performance hadn't been for Darren he would have bailed out; no doubt. He closed his eyes and went through the lyrics as the girls next to him was presented and entered the stage. Then he zoned out and logged into the world where fear is transferred to energy and anxiety becomes bravery.

 

Breath in, breathe out.

 

_Darren this is for you. This is how I show you my love. This is how I walk straight into the tornado because that’s how much I care._

 

When the applause died out after the previous performance he opened his eyes and waited for the announcement. He was ready.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen. The show is coming to an end and we have only one performance left,” Mrs. Nolan said from the other side of the curtain. "To me this one is very special because it comes with great bravery and it has not been easy for him. But talent can’t hide forever. Give a big applause for Chris Colfer, singing _Being Alive_.”

 

Chris stepped forward and smiled into the bright light of the spot. “I’m actually not much of singer,” he stated in the microphone. “Which makes it kind of ironic that I stand here.” People laughed in the darkness and Chris relaxed. “I’m more of a storyteller actually. But someone once told me that singing is like telling a story and if you have a story to tell people will listen. So, I guess this is my story.” He paused and felt the quietness and anticipation build up in front of him. “I would like to dedicate this song to a person … who has become very special to me over the last six weeks. Someone who has taught me that I should always go for the magic. That I shouldn’t fear disappointment because true magic will always be … magical - even when times get tough. I believe in magic. I believe in things that are greater than me and ... I believe in love, with all my heart.” He nodded to the pianist and took a deep breath as the first heavy chords sounded in the room. He was not nervous anymore, he was just centered and ready when he closed his eyes and started to sing

 

 

_Someone to hold you too close_

_Someone to hurt you too deep_

_Someone to sit in your chair_

_to ruin your sleep_

 

_Someone to need you too much_

_Someone to know you too well_

_Someone to pull you up short_

_and put you through hell_

 

He smiled and looked to the side where he knew Darren was sitting

 

_Someone you have to let in_

_Someone whose feelings you spare_

_Someone who like it or not_

_Will want you to share_

_a little a lot_

 

He got bolder and began to perform more, to act out the story.

 

_Someone to crowd you with love_

_Someone to force you to care_

_Someone to make you come through_

_Who’ll always be there_

_As frightened as you_

_of being alive_

_Being alive_

_Being alive_

_Being alive_

 

 

_Somebody, hold me too close_

_Somebody, hurt me too deep_

_Somebody sit in my chair_

_and ruin my sleep_

_and make me aware_

_of being alive_

_Being alive_

 

_Somebody, need me too much,_

_Somebody, know me too well,_

_Somebody, pull me up short_

_And put me through hell_

_And give me support_

_For being alive,_

_Make me alive,_

_Make me alive,_

_Make me confused,_

_Mock me with praise,_

_Let me be used,_

_Vary my days._

_But alone is alone, not alive._

 

_Somebody, crowd me with love,_

_Somebody, force me to care,_

_Somebody, let me come through,_

_I'll always be there,_

_As frightened as you,_

_To help us survive_

_Being alive,_

_Being alive,_

 

He breathed in to embrace the last note and belted it out in a way he hadn’t tried before.

 

_Being alive!_

 

The applause roared towards him as he bowed and he knew he had conquered. This was for Darren and his heart soared towards the ceiling for _him._

 

All performers now entered the stage and wrapped up the show. Mrs. Nolan was given flowers and nice words were said between students and teacher. Darren had stayed in the audience and he never looked anywhere but at Chris, red eyed and emotional. Chris couldn’t reach him fast enough but he finally got to him, Darren just pulled him in for a long warm hug.

 

“Are you crying,” Chris asked surprised.

 

“I’ve never had a song dedicated to me before. That’s all,” Darren explained embarrassed and caught another tear at the corner of his eye. “That’s just very, very special … and I can’t believe you did that for me.”

 

They locked eyes and the pull of attraction was almost too much to handle. “I’ll do anything for you, Dare,” Chris said and lowered his stare to Darren’s mouth.

 

Darren bit his bottom lip. “Fuck, I need to be alone with you.”

 

Chris smiled with a blush and nodded. “Look, we’ll leave the after party early, you know; finish things off politely and then split; just you and me.”

 

“You promise?”

 

“I do, baby. I want to _be_ with you.” Chris let his finger get caught in a curl at Darren’s forehead. It was nothing but a subtle touch but Darren closed his eyes and leaned in to it with tenderness. “Beautiful, beautiful boy,” Chris whispered before the others found them and prompted them to come along.

 

 

 

 


	13. When I Get You Alone

 

The after party was held at a cozy, smaller bar not far from campus. The DJ was funny and spontaneous, which meant the dance floor was crowded from the start. One of the girls had done a Harlem Shake not long ago and it didn’t take her long to teach them the routine and make the entire party go crazy.

 

_This is that ice cold Michelle Pfeiffer that white gold._

 

“Here we go!” Darren shouted and got a hold of Chris as he started a funky move. Chris followed in a split second and together they worked the floor, laughing and singing from the top of their lungs.

 

 _Don’t believe me just watch - Don’t believe me just watch._ _Hey hey hey hey!_

 

People around them were just as loud and Chris caught a glimpse of Michaelruling his own corner of the floor with Anna and a couple of the other girls.

 

 _Uptown funk you up, uptown funk you up_.

 

The next three songs were just as up-tempo, but even with all the jumping and the crazy moves Chris and Darren never let go of the physical connection; a hand on the back, fingers that brushed over warm skin or hips touching. And as good as it felt, Chris registered the need for something more building up inside of him like a tide rising. He wanted to touch more of Darren; feel more; claim him. The songs finally shifted to something slower and Chris immediately pulled Darren closer.

 

“Hey baby,” Darren said with eyes shining.

 

Chris hummed and put his arm around Darren’s waist. “I have discovered something recently,” he said.

 

"And what is that?”

 

“That I _really_ like to dance with you.”

 

“Is that so; even if it’s a waltz and you’re blindfolded?”

 

Chris leaned closer to Darren’s ear. “You swept me off of my feet that day, did you know that?”

 

Darren blinked. “No, I didn’t know that. But I did know that I was crazy about _you_ and that you for some reason trusted me enough to take my lead.”

 

“True. Who would have thought that," Chris said just as their conversation was interrupted and Darren was twirled around by Caitlyn.

 

"You can’t have him all the time, Colfer," she said with a teasing smile. But Darren just put his hands in the air with an annoyed expression.

 

"Hey, hey, usually you ask a guy if he _wants_ to dance."

 

Caitlyn continued undeterred and wrapped her arms around Darren’s neck. "It’s one dance, Dare, you owe me that."

 

Chris decided to be the bigger man and signaled that he would get Darren something to drink in the meantime. But on his way to the bar he bumped into Anna.

 

"You can dance with me while you wait," she suggested.

 

Chris smiled gratefully and took her up on her offer. "I’m only giving her _one_ dance though," he stated.

 

Anna put a light hand on his shoulder and clasped their hands together. "You shouldn’t give her anymore either," she agreed. "But honestly you guys have to get out of here."

 

"I know, I know."

 

"She will keep on trying for the rest of the night and it will not be pretty once she’s drunk," Anna continued. ”I’ll try to stall her for you."

 

"You will? That would be awesome, honestly," Chris said and swayed to the music. "I just don't get her, you know?"

 

"Caitlyn?"

 

"Yes, Caitlyn! I mean why keep pursuing a guy who’s not interested? She's not _that_ blind, right?"

 

"You may not believe this, Chris, but it's actually more about you than about Darren."

 

"You officially lost me."

 

"Caitlyn has always had a thing for Darren," Anna explained, "but not like this. It pisses her off to see Darren so head over heels in love with you. She has never seen him like this before and neither have I to be honest." She winked.

 

"Guess that makes sense," Chris said and tried to be cool about it.

 

She laughed. "Chris you’re so introverted, but this you can’t hide; you’re crazy about him, too."

 

He blushed and let a smile slip through. "I am, I am - and beyond that. I'm completely lost around him. It's very ... unsettling and absolutely amazing. Weird, huh."

 

"That's soo sweet," she said softly. "It's great to have him back in LA, right?"

 

"It really is. It’s just a shame that he doesn’t get the credit for the class like he was supposed to."

 

Anna rolled her eyes. "Let me tell you a little secret about that credit, sweetie. Darren doesn’t _need_ them."

 

Chris frowned. "Um, yes he does. He did that Aladdin thing in the spring and lost too many lessons."

 

She shook her head. "Playing Aladdin gives credits, too. I’m the one needing the credit. I had mono for two months in the spring."

 

"But why … " Chris stopped confused by the news until Anna prompted him to start dancing again.

 

"Look, Darren has been crushing on you for almost a year, okay."

 

"What?" The song faded out about the same time Chris dropped his jaw.

 

"Oops, I guess that was our cue," Anna said amused. "Thanks for the dance." She tried to get away but Chris grabbed her hand and twirled her into the next dance. "Oh, I thought you were off to save your knight in shining armor from the evil Caitlyn witch," she giggled.

 

Chris caught Darren’s suffering expression and held a finger up to signal one-more-dance. "Now where were we, Anna?" he asked and looked at her inquiring. "Darren and I haven’t known each other for a year. How could he have had a crush on me?"

 

"Oh, think hard Chris, have you by any chance seen Darren around a lot more often the past two semesters?"

 

"I’ve seen him, yeah, but I haven’t counted the times."

 

"Okay, let me put you out of your misery," Anna said. "One night, about a year ago, we went to the coffee shop just around the corner."

 

"Belleville?"

 

"Yep. You were sitting with your laptop in the corner, writing something."

 

Chris nodded, "I do that a lot if I need a climate change from the dorm or the library."

 

"Well that night a singer performed. I think her name was Katie-something, never mind. It seemed to be a miscalculation on your behalf to be there that night because the live music messed with your concentration. But as she got started the music captured you anyway and you listened so intensely in your own world that Darren couldn’t keep his eyes off of you."

 

Chris searched his memory for a night like that, but nothing specific came along. He shook his head. "I’ve written at Belleville more nights than I can count, with or without live music."

 

She looked at him mildly. "Darren got interested that night. He thought you looked cute and he was dying to talk to you."

 

"Then why didn’t he?" Chris asked.

 

"Because ... no offense, but sometimes you give away this vibe that you want to be left alone."

 

"Ah, my antisocial look. It gets very refined when you write in public places," he explained.

 

"Anyway, Darren couldn’t stop talking about you and sometimes he’d stop by Belleville to see if you were there - or he’d see you in the dining hall and watch you laugh and hang out with Michael. I've kicked his ass so many times for not talking to you, but something held him back. And the funny thing is that he actually hasn't dated anyone since that night."

 

Chris melted completely inside, trying to wrap his head around this new piece of information. He glanced in Darren's direction. "I can’t believe I've never noticed," he said.

 

She shrugged. "He was very discreet about it. I was the only one he told and I’ve always teased him about it because it was so unlike him not just to get to know you. Then one day, when we were hanging out in my room he saw the list of participants for this summer class and he spotted your name from miles away. And for some _unknown_ reason a sudden urge to go to summer class came over the poor guy."

 

"Seriously?"

 

"Oh, yeah. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth."

 

"I’ve always known who he was," Chris said pondering, "but I've honestly never thought he would look my way."

 

"He couldn't _stop_ looking," Anna said smiling.

 

Chris glanced over the dance floor again and saw that Darren had gotten away from Caitlyn and was talking with Michael instead. Then he switched back to Anna. "You'll stall her, right?"

 

She nodded. "I will. Now go get your man!"

 

Chris stepped away, but then he stopped in his tracks and turned. "You're really something, Anna, thank you."

 

"You're welcome," she chuckled. Chris hesitated. "What, Colfer?"

 

"Can I ask about you and Michael ... or should I mind my own business?"

 

She smiled even wider. "You can ask. He has finally invited me on a date, but I sure had to hint a lot to get this far."

 

"Bear with him," Chris said, happy to hear the news. "He's not _that_ experienced when it comes to dating."

 

"A lot of talking but not a lot of walking, right? To be honest I didn’t think he was something for me either ... until ... "

 

"Until what?" Chris asked curiously.

 

"Until he worked his ass off to sing opera with me," she answered and blushed for the first time. "He really made an effort and that was unbelievably sweet."

 

"A secret move I guess," Chris said and caught Darren looking at him from across the room, warm and longingly.

 

"Go," Anna said laughing and pushed him forward.

 

"Thank you," Chris mouthed to her before he turned around and locked eyes with Darren as he walked towards him. They met in the middle of the dance floor and fell into a close dance, breathing each other in.

 

"Let’s get out of here, baby," Chris whispered and skimmed his hand down Darren's back to his waist.

 

Darren parted his lips and nodded. His chest was heaving and Chris knew that neither of them could be trusted for much longer.

 

"We should probably sneak out not to pull too much attention," Darren said and looked over Chris' shoulder to locate their problem number one.

 

"I’ll go first," Chris suggested, "and then we’ll meet up outside. Anna will help us."

 

They parted and as soon as Chris had said goodbye to Michael he discreetly disappeared out the door. He found a narrow alley next to the bar and waited for Darren. Two minutes later he could hear Darren step outside too, but before he had reached Chris the door opened once more. In a hurry Chris pulled Darren with him into the alley - and pressed up against each other. They tried not to giggle when they heard Caitlyn’s voice.

 

"Darren, are you out here?"

 

They listened with eyes locked as she walked a few steps back and forth. Then Anna joined her.

 

"He’s probably in the bathroom, Caitlyn, give the guy a rest and get your ass in here. You're missing out on all the fun."

 

Chris suddenly got very aware of Darren’s body pressed up against the wall, the warm breaths shared between them and amber eyes going on forever. His eyes dropped to Darren's lips, so soft and full - and the world as he knew it disappeared around him when he leaned in and covered Darren's mouth with his. The touch ignited everything inside of him when Darren kissed him back and let their tongues meet in a gentle glide. Chris buried his fingers in the dark, curly hair without stopping the movement of his lips, sucking and tasting; and Darren eagerly pressed against him to deepen the kiss and get even closer. They moved in perfect unison, panting as breaths were taken away. Darren's hands skimmed down Chris' sides until they rested on his hips and Chris could feel how he hardened up as a moan slip away between his lips. Time ceased to exist in this first tender kiss they shared and all Chris knew was that he wanted to be with Darren, not just here and now but tomorrow too and the next week and the next year. He cupped Darren's cheeks and slowed down the kiss until he gently let go and let their foreheads connect instead. "I am so in love with you," he whispered against Darren's tender lips. "Head over heels, crazily in love with _you_."

 

Darren opened his eyes, completely lost and unhinged. "You will never know how much that means to me," he said in a wrecked voice. "You are so special to me. I've never been here before, Chris. I've never been so completely into someone." He pulled Chris in for another kiss and this time they smiled into it, playfully and carefree.

 

When they let go the second time Darren gazed at him intensely. "Can I take you somewhere? There’s a favorite place of mine that I’d like to show you."

 

"Sure, but I’m not letting go of you, you know."

 

"I can tell," Darren said and leaned in for one more kiss. Chris opened his mouth at the glide of Darren’s tongue and reveled in feeling of being welcomed and wanted. They broke again with wide smiles. "Come on," Darren said and clasped their hands together. Then he peeked out from the alley before they walked to his car.

 

"So where are we going?" Chris asked.

 

"To the beach."

 

"At this hour?" he chuckled.

 

"It’s a perfect place, night or day, trust me," Darren said and opened the car door for Chris.

 

Chris bit his lip and let the tingling sensation of excitement last. They were finally alone. No more interruptions, nothing that could take their focus off of each other. The time was theirs and they could do with it whatever they wanted. The physical presence of Darren settled deep within.

 

"What’s on your mind?" Darren asked as he glanced at Chris. "You look … hmm … happy."

 

Chris leaned his head back in the seat and followed the streetlights passing by. "I am - more than I thought that I’d ever be." He grimaced. "Shit that was cheesy."

 

"No it wasn't, and besides I like it."

 

Chris pursed his lips to hide a smile. "If you say so." He put a hand on Darren’s thigh and let it rest there while he took in the sight of the man next to him.

 

"You can’t look at me like that," Darren objected.

 

"Why not?"

 

"Because I’m driving and I want to look back and then all I can think of is how bad I want to kiss you."

 

"What if I close my eyes?" Chris asked.

 

"That makes it worse!"

 

Chris giggled. "This is going to be a very long ride, isn't it? How far is it?"

 

"I’d say half an hour."

 

Chris hummed as his thoughts were going places. "I’ll try to behave for half an hour, but it won’t be easy. I’m just telling you."

 

"Fuck, Chris," Darren whined. "Just shut up and turn on the music."

 

Chris grinned. "Will do."

 

Chris _did_ behave and soon enough Darren pulled over right behind a brink. Chris looked around, searching for the magic.

 

"This is it?" he asked carefully.

 

"No, silly boy." Darren grabbed a blanket from the back of the car and reached for Chris' hand. "Come on."

 

Together they forced the steep brink until the ocean was revealed, spread out in front of them, majestic and glittering in the pale moonlight. It was a breathtaking view, a little gem of nature itself.

 

"Oh my god, it’s so beautiful," Chris mumbled.

 

Darren smiled rewardingly. "I knew you would like it. It’s a little haven of mine. I haven’t shown anyone else."

 

"Except for me."

 

"You’ve earned the right to be included."

 

"I feel honored, actually," Chris said truthfully.

 

They began to descend. "So this is where you reload?"

 

"Pretty much. I sometimes bring my guitar or a notebook at least. Then I turn off my phone and disappear from the face of the earth for a couple of hours. It’s amazing. I couldn’t live without it."

 

Chris breathed in the saltiness of the air. He was getting emotional by the gesture of love and trust that Darren showed him. But when wasn’t he getting emotional these days? He could hardly trust himself anymore. Darren found a solid rock they could lean up against, at a plateau a bit above sea level and spread out the blanket.

 

"Now I obviously should have brought strawberry and champagne," Darren said.

 

"And you haven't?" Chris asked outraged.

 

"No, baby, I’m all you’ve got."

 

They got settled on the blanket, Chris with his back against the rock and Darren with his back against Chris’ chest - and for a moment they did nothing but exist in the moment. The air was refreshing after a warm day and the sound of the waves so very calming. If happiness could be bottled and saved for a rainy day, Chris would have done exactly that. He kissed Darren’s hair and held him even closer until Darren turned his head and reached for a kiss. Their lips moved slowly as if they both knew that they had all the time in the world from now on. Darren turned slightly to get a better angle and with fingers laced in Chris’ hair he controlled the pace and dynamic of the kiss. Darren kissed the same way he danced, passionately and over the top, but always making you feel safe and taken care of at the same time. The tug of attraction coiled up in Chris’ stomach and it would have been so easy to give in and go where they both wanted to go, but there were things he needed to say to Darren; words he hadn’t fully formed yet. A tremor ran through him at the sight of Darren’s adoration. He gave it away so easily while it was a lot harder for Chris. He gently broke the kiss and let his fingertips follow the dark hairline down to cheek, stubbled and soft.

 

"Darren ... I need to tell you something,” he started a bit hesitant. “I feel I owe you an explanation of some sort and it’s important for me to say these things.”

 

“Okay,” Darren said, “as long as it isn’t something bad, because I couldn’t handle something like that right now.”

 

Chris stroke Darren’s strong jaw and pecked a kiss on his lips. “It’s good, I swear.”

 

“In that case you may proceed,” he said and kissed the palm of Chris’ hand.

 

Chris switched positions in order to face Darren more upfront. “I’m past the point of no return, Darren,” he said sincerely. “I know that all this has been really hard on you and I’m truly sorry for that. I never meant to leave you uncertain, not knowing how I really felt. You said to me at the coffee shop that I was more than a summer fling to you ... and the truth is that you were _never_ just that to me either. I've always known that it was all or nothing with you." He paused and the next sentence came out while his heart was beating insanely and he only found courage to say it because Darren’s love radiated towards him. "I want it all, Darren. I want us to be boyfriends and have a real relationship, with all the ups and downs and whatever may come. And it’s not that I want to rush things. We have our lives ahead of us. I just … I guess what I’m trying to say is that … this is all in for me and you don’t ever have to wonder how I feel about you ever again." Darren looked at him through blurry eyes. "No, Darren,” Chris whispered. “You can't cry. If you cry I cry and I want to be able to finish."

 

Darren dropped his head and smiled as he blinked. "I'll try," he said, "but you're not making it easy."

 

Chris grabbed his hands a bit shy, but so full of love. "Darren, to me it was never a matter of wanting you or not. I wanted you so bad that I couldn't think straight. I was just ... terrified of getting hurt."

 

"Then what changed?" he asked mildly. "Are you going into this just as scared?"

 

Chris could feel tears of his own pressing on.  "Now look what you did to me, I knew this would happen," he said and smiled weakly.

 

Darren leaned in and kissed a tear away. "It doesn't matter," he said. "Now it's gone, see?"

 

Chris nodded. "I _do_ see." He took a deep shaky breath. "I'm not scared anymore. I’m scared of losing you, but not for being with you."

 

Darren’s smile grew into something even more beautiful than Chris had seen before. "You're not going to lose me, Chris and I would _love_ to be your boyfriend, more than anything else.”

 

Chris leaned in and kissed Darren again, a little longer, a little deeper, a little more meaningful and serious.

 

"I knew you were something special from the moment I laid eyes on you,” Darren said after awhile. “It’s cheesy and it may sound like a cliché, but it’s the truth. I can’t explain it any other way.”

 

Chris bit the inside of his cheek and arched a single brow. “And when was that again?”

 

Darren rolled his eyes. “Oh, I knew Anna would spill at some point. And I know it might put me in an unflattering, stalkerish light, but I’ve never tried anything like that before.”

 

“I think it’s sweet, actually. Unexpected, but sweet.” Chris said. “What I’d really like to know however, is when it turned from _something special_ to _something more_.”

 

“You’re not going to like the answer.”

 

“Of course I will.”

 

“Okay, but don't tell me you haven’t been warned,” Darren said.

 

“I won’t. I think I can handle it.”

 

“Um ... I lost it a bit when you stepped forward as Queen Elizabeth.”

 

Chris giggled. “Don’t tell me you fell for the Queen instead of me because that would make me truly jealous.”

 

“You hit a very soft spot in me," Darren explained. "Not so much because of the Queen, but by being funny. That’s a high score in my book no matter what.”

 

“It sort of makes sense though,” Chris said, “because you totally flirted with me when you did the BBC-reporter thing.”

 

“I sure did,” Darren said proudly. “But the next step from there was a bit tricky because you were always hanging out with Michael or withdrawing to write.”

 

“I know. But I _did_ like your impromptu lunch on the floor, just so you know.”

 

Darren smiled and let his stare find a point in the distance of the ocean. “But I fell in love with you for real on the stage when we talked about my song. It was _so_ intense and that was the first time you let me in a little. The second time you let me in was when we sang “Falling Slowly”.

 

“I know,” Chris said quietly.

 

Darren tilted his head. “What about you?”

 

Chris locked eyes with him. “I fell in love with you when we danced, and it scared the shit out of me. But I couldn’t undo it. Every time I closed my eyes, the feeling of dancing with you came back and the words you sang stayed inside.” He cleared his throat. “And I reached the point of no return when you came to me after the monologue, knowing the words were mine. You didn't pity me or freak out because I was crying; you were just there for me, accepting a part of me that I still struggle with. From that moment I felt safe with you.

 

"You _are_ safe with me," Darren uttered, "just as I feel safe with you." He placed his warm hand at the nape of Chris' neck and pulled him in for a gentle kiss.

 

They stayed in the closeness and intimacy until they had lost track of time in a night that belonged solely to them.

 

"Come on," Darren said with sparkling eyes. "Let’s take a walk on the beach, I feel like paddling."

 

"Now?" Chris laughed.

 

"There will never be a better time to feel the sea licking your feet. I promise it will be amazing."

 

Chris gave in and they both removed their shoes and rolled up their pants to the knees before they ran down to the beach. The water was a bit cold, but Chris didn't mind. His senses were bombarded and every little detail about this night was layered into an emotional and physical memory. They jumped around, howling and laughing, kicking water at each other until Chris claimed that Darren had a drop of water on his jaw line that needed to be kissed away.

 

Darren agreed.

 

When they returned to the blanket, more wet than dry, Darren dropped down on his back and faced the stars, panting from the run. Chris joined him, happy to his bones. If this was life's gift to him, he’d die satisfied. He snuggled closer to Darren and intertwined their legs. Darren turned his head and took in the sight of Chris with darkened eyes. Chris’ skin prickled as he soaked in the connection between them. Then he leaned over and covered Darren’s mouth completely. Their tongues struggled for dominance and with mouths wide open they possessed each other, raw and demanding. Darren tipped Chris around and got halfway on top of Chris with his thigh between Chris' legs. Chris moaned when Darren further pinned down his arms and slowed down the kiss to a torturous pace. Chris couldn't control his need to push his hip up against Darren's strong thigh and to his satisfaction Darren pressed down on his growing bulge. Cascades of pleasure spread between the sloppy kisses and the friction offered. Chris boldly let his hands travel underneath Darren's shirt and noticed the shiver it caused, before his other hand reached down for Darren's ass, so tight and perfect. With a panting breath and darkened eyes Darren put their foreheads together.

 

"Maybe we should continue this at my place," he suggested weakly. "I want more than grinding and wet underwear, if you know what I mean."

 

Chris bit his lip and smiled as he wondered how long it would take for him to cool down. "That’s probably a very good idea," he said. "I can do without getting sand in my ass."

 

Darren burst into a freeing laugh and held on to Chris for a moment longer.

 


	14. With Eyes Wide Open

 

When he arrived at Darren's apartment Chris stepped inside, vividly remembering what it had been like to be here the last time. How he had written at the desk by the window, the fridge with rows and rows of Diet Coke, just for him, and the couch where they had slept in each other's arms. He felt safe here and welcomed. Darren turned on a few lights and went straight to the kitchen.

 

"Are you hungry or thirsty?" he asked.

 

"Not particularly," Chris answered and walked towards the tall table.

 

"Not even a Diet Coke?" Darren asked, arching a brow.

 

"Yeah, maybe." Chris sat down on one of the tall stools and watched Darren. He was stunningly beautiful in the dimmed light and Chris couldn't help following the outline of his body; his broad chest and his strong arms, flexing whenever he moved; the bulge, visible, but held back by the tight jeans and his perfectly shaped ass. Chris cleared his throat and felt the unease of too little room in his own jeans.

 

Darren caught his unabashed stare and closed the fridge slowly as he approached the table with a small smile that made his eyes sparkle.

 

"You don’t give a fuck about that Coke right now, do you?"

 

"I couldn't care less," Chris answered without breaking eye contact.

 

Darren let his fingers run along the edge of the kitchen table as he walked around the table to reach Chris. Then he skimmed his hands down Chris' arms, barely touching him until Chris shivered underneath his touch. "Tell me what you want," Darren whispered. "I'll do anything you want me to." He breathed against Chris' neck, spreading feather light kisses from a soft spot behind his ears, down the side of his neck to his collar bone.

 

Chris dropped his head backwards to give Darren access. "I want you," he stuttered and grabbed Darren's shoulders to keep him close.

 

"You can _have_ me," Darren stated, "all of me for as long as you want and as often as you want. I’m yours for the taking." He stroked the inner side of Chris' thighs and spread them gently apart to allow his own hips to fit in. Chris worked with him eagerly and moaned when he suddenly sensed Darren growing against him.

 

"Get hard for me," Chris begged. "I want to feel you." He put his hands on Darren's ass and grinded up against him.

 

Darren watched him, eyes dark and lips parted, bending Chris’ knees until his hips tilted in a perfect angle. He pressed their cocks against each other while Chris moved his hands to the dark curls, pulling them slightly before he received Darren's open mouth. It felt _so_ good to be handled, to be led. Darren pushed him gently up against the edge of the table, making sure their cocks still grinded and with a needy moan, Chris wrapped his legs around Darren’s hips. They kissed, sloppy and greedy, crashing lips together that had longed for this forever.

 

"I have dreamed about this a thousand times,"   Darren gushed and buried his face in the crook of Chris' neck.

 

"Me, too." Chris rested his head against Darren's. "Every night before I fell asleep I pictured you, warm and naked, right beside me."

 

"What did it feel like?" Darren asked.

 

Chris drew a shallow breath and tilted his pelvis even more. "It felt great, but it can never be compared to how good this feels now."

 

"I'm glad to hear that," Darren whispered and reached down between them to cup Chris. He squeezed lightly before he pushed downwards with the heel of his hand.

 

Chris panted. "Shit," he huffed out. "It's getting pretty tight down there."

 

Without a word Darren lifted him from the stool with his hands underneath Chris’ ass, and carried him through the living room and into the bedroom. Once there he let Chris slide down again, grinding against him. "Let's untie you," he mumbled and unbuttoned Chris' pants.

 

Chris could feel his cock hurt by the attention in the limited space as he exhaled through pursed lips. "Take your time, baby, I don't want it to ... to end too ... soon ... I mean ... oh fuck that felt good ... I just."

 

Darren shut him up with a kiss and smiled against his lips. "Don't worry, Chris, we'll make it last ... for awhile at least. We're just getting started."

 

"I know, I know  ... just think about that for a moment ... there is so much sex out there in our future ... and we can ... just do it ... " Chris felt the earth move underneath his feet when Darren had found one of his nipples underneath his shirt. "Oh God, yes."

 

"You're so cute when you're turned on," Darren mumbled against his skin. His hands roamed upwards, taking the shirt with him until Chris lifted his arms and let Darren pull the shirt all the way over his head. The cool air in the bedroom hit his heated skin and added to the pleasure.

 

"You're gorgeous," Darren said and let the palm of his hand rest possessively on Chris' heaving chest. "So perfect in every way."

 

Chris looked at Darren, completely confident that he meant every word spoken and he felt the adoration wrap him like a warm blanket. He couldn’t remember having been this wanted ever in his life. "Thank you," he whispered. "I feel perfect with _you_."

 

With trembling fingers he unbuttoned Darren’s white shirt until his chest and stomach were revealed. Sprinkles of hair spread from the dip between his collarbones, down to his hard nipples before they skipped the top of the stomach and continued from the belly button and disappeared into his pants like a road to the Promised Land. He palmed up Darren’s chest and pushed the shirt off of his shoulders and down his arms; and right before the shirt would have dropped to the floor, Chris held on to Darren’s wrists behind his back and spread kisses down his neck, sucking and scraping marks with his teeth. Darren swayed in his arms with a whimpering sound.

 

"I like the way you taste," Chris mumbled, aroused by Darren's maleness and strong scent.

 

"What do I taste like?" Darren asked hoarsely.

 

Chris let his tongue lick along a strong, visible vein. "You taste like desire and heat," Chris answered and let go of Darren's hands again before he pressed their foreheads together and breathed shakily. "Your taste reminds me of a thousand things I've dreamed about doing to you. So many ways to pleasure you and take care of you."

 

Darren's voice dropped. "Chris ... I ...," he started, but forgot what he wanted to say when his hands slipped into Chris' boxers, cupping his ass, parting his cheeks slightly.

 

Chris whimpered in anticipation. He wanted this to last forever but he was so turned on that he hardly knew what day it was. He curled his arms around Darren’s neck and crashed in for another kiss, taking in all that he could, because how could he ever be satisfied enough if he didn’t have it all? His breath got caught. "This is so good," he stuttered and thrust forward.

 

Darren pushed downwards, taking pants and boxers with him until Chris stood naked in front of him. Then he got down on his knees and pulled the pants all the way off while Chris' throbbing cock bounced for attention.

 

Darren smiled by the look of it. "You're beautiful," he said and closed his fingers around it. Chris moaned from the perfect pressure and the sight. Darren took him in - from the tip of his cock, continuing down the sides and controlling every move and slide with his tongue until Chris could hardly stand on his own two feet.

 

"Whoa," Darren said and supported him. "Maybe you should lie down instead."

 

Chris thankfully dropped down on the bed behind him and spread his legs. His skin was sensitive and his naked body on display, but he didn't feel exposed in any way. He thrived from the attention and felt available and turned on by Darren's dark stare and husky voice as he too stripped down to nothing, but glowing, naked skin and strong thighs. They lingered on each other for awhile; let eyes follow curves and dips, dwelling on the mutual desire until it threatened to absorb them. Darren leaned over and stroked Chris' inner thighs before he settled between them. With big eyes he followed Darren's every move when he dipped down and took Chris in his mouth completely. The wet, warm suction send him through the roof and a throaty deep moan escaped him. Every coherent thought left his mind and only one thing stayed behind. He wanted this more than the air he breathed and he clutched the sheets underneath him the moment Darren began moving up and down.

 

"I'm not going to last," Chris whimpered moments later, too unhinged to keep still.

 

Darren let go with a long slow suction. "I better give you a break then, because I'm not finished; not by far," he whispered half smiling as he let his own cock run along Chris' thigh and hovered above him on all fours.

 

Chris exhaled slowly and tried to center himself. He wanted to last and he wanted more, so much more - but Darren was not making it easy. He put his hand behind Darren's neck and pulled him down for a kiss. "You just really enjoy teasing, don't you?" he mumbled against Darren's mouth.

 

"I do," Darren admitted boyishly and got down on top of Chris. He pulled his knees up on each side of Chris and let their leaking cocks meet without moving too much. Chris wrapped his arms around Darren and held on tight. They got quiet and lingered in the skin against skin embrace while they tried to wind down for a bit. Chris let his fingers draw patterns on Darren's back, following his spine further and further down, from between his shoulder blades to his lower back. Hesitatingly he stopped just above his ass, close to his crack, waiting for permission. Darren gave it to him by pushing his ass upwards and breathing a bit heavier against Chris' neck. Without a word Chris moved on and let his hands run down the full cheeks, spreading them slightly apart. Darren panted and Chris found his mouth and plunged deep into him with his tongue as he let a single finger run along his crack, circling his entrance.

 

"Damn it, Chris."

 

"Are you okay?" Chris asked gently.

 

"Yeah, I'm good." Darren whimpered and spread his legs further apart. "I just want it really bad."

 

Chris kept his finger moving. "Do you have anything?"

 

"Yes, yes," Darren stuttered and got up on one elbow as he rummaged through his drawer next to the bed. "Sorry, it's just been awhile." Finally he found what he was looking for and handed Chris a small tube. Chris carefully lubricated his fingers before he reached down again and gently worked with the lube until he could push one finger inside. Darren threw his head back and inhaled in pleasure.

 

"Does it hurt too much?" Chris asked.

 

Darren just shook his head with eyes closed and pushed down on his finger with a deep moan. "Easy," Chris whispered. "It _will_ hurt if you move too fast."

 

Bit by bit Chris opened Darren, making sure they both took their time. His own erection was getting painfully hard and he almost lost control over it when he realized Darren wanted to come down on him. "You're sure you're ready?" Chris asked with big dark eyes.

 

"I'm more than ready," Darren assured, warm and beautiful, locking eyes with him as he guided Chris into the right angle.

 

Pleasure shot through Chris as he penetrated and the tightness almost made him come too soon. He desperately held Darren down, prompting him not to move for a moment. Darren bit his lip and moaned quietly. "It's unreal how good you feel to me."

 

"We're good together, right?" Chris panted.

 

"We're perfect together," Darren answered and moved slightly.

 

Then Chris met him, thrusting up, slowly and carefully at first until Darren took control and went down on him completely while he picked up pace. The sensation was out of this world and buried deep inside of Darren everything else ceased to matter to Chris. They moved perfectly together with lingering eyes and arching backs until Darren was falling apart. Chris helped him the rest of the way by grabbing his cock and working him over the edge. A roar that escalated into the sound of Chris' name was released from Darren's chest as he came hard in waves. And every wave made his muscles clench around Chris who only had to thrust upwards a few times more before he came, too. The release shook his body with pleasure and satisfaction as he clanged on to it, overpowered by the force of it. Panting and sweating, Darren collapsed on top of him and they both held on to each other as they rode out their orgasms.

 

Chris absentmindedly played with Darren's damp curls. "Beautiful, beautiful boy," he whispered emotionally.

 

Darren lifted his head and looked at Chris with the softest expression ever. "You're so special to me," he mumbled. "You're changing my world."

 

"As you change mine."

 

They stayed in the tender moment until the stickiness between their bodies got too gross to be ignored. Darren reached for some tissues and carefully he cleaned up a sleepy Chris who still followed his every move. Then Darren quickly disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Chris completely satisfied and taken care of, still riding in the afterglow. If a heart could break from too much happiness, his was cracking this very moment.

 

Darren quietly got under the sheets again and Chris turned his back to him, became the little spoon and intertwined their fingers before he made their hands rest on his stomach. Darren nuzzled against his neck and Chris couldn't imagine anything else feeling so much like home.

 

* * *

 

_Lay down_

_Your sweet and weary head_

_Night is falling_

_You have come to journey’s end_

 

_Sleep now and dream_

_Of the ones who came before_

_They are calling_

_From across the distant shore_

 

_Why do you weep?_

_What are these tears upon your face?_

_Soon you will see_

_All of your fears will pass away_

 

_Safe in my arms_

_You're only sleeping_

 

_What can you see on the horizon?_

_Why do the white gulls call?_

_Across the sea a pale moon rises_

_The ships have come to carry you home_

 

_And all will turn to silver glass_

_A light on the water_

_All souls pass_

 

* * *

 

Darren kept his eyes closed despite the fact that he was fully awake - and instead he let the pure bliss seep into his bones until it centered its sense of purpose in his heart. He could hear Chris breathe calmly beside him, still asleep, and to Darren it was the best sound in the world.

 

Being back in LA and back with Chris was everything he had longed for the past two weeks. He had tried to hide everything about Chris to his family, mostly to buy Chris some time, but it had been a lost cause when it came to his mother of course. She had seen right through him, sick or not. She had also prompted him to return to LA a lot sooner than he did, because she had seen how much he had missed Chris. But he had stayed for his dad's sake and he was happy that he had, even now. He would bring Chris with him the next time he was heading home, he just didn't want to rush him it in any way.

 

He lazily cracked his eyes open, trying to adjust to the sunlight streaming through the small gaps in the curtain. His mind drifted back to yesterday that had been everything and so much more than he had ever dared hoping for. He would have been happy if they’d just gotten together again and had kissed. But Chris constantly surprised him and Darren hadn’t fully realized how clarified Chris had gotten while they had been apart. There’s only so much you can say on a phone or to a screen when you're skyping anyway. And just like that Chris had blown him away from the moment they saw each other again. The song he had sung, the touches, the adoration in his eyes and his need to be with Darren - it had been a true gift and the biggest declaration of love Darren had ever gotten in his life. Thinking back to all the times he had seen Chris around campus or at Belleville's, feeling so strongly that there was something about him that he couldn’t walk away from - he felt more than lucky.  How can anybody explain something like that? This summer would forever be a mark on his timeline, dividing his life story into before and after Chris.

 

He let his eyes run over the sleeping man next to him; curves and dips, perfectly shaping the body he had been drooling over last night. Funny how attraction is such a mix of pure sex and desire - and then this mind blowing emotional connection with a personality and another human's soul.

 

He loved Chris.

 

There was no doubt in his mind. It was too soon to say it out loud like it was too soon to ask him to move in, but for now it was good enough knowing how _he_ felt on his own part.

 

He turned in bed to get a better look at Chris, but by moving a sharp pain send a sweet reminder through his body about the night before. He couldn’t help smiling. That had really been something and if not an entirely new experience, it had felt like the first time.

 

Chris still looked peaceful, but Darren registered a change in the steady breathing. "Are you awake?" he whispered.

 

Chris' eyes fluttered. "No."

 

"Okay," Darren said with a grin and let his palm run down Chris’ strong back. "Are you awake now?" he then asked.

 

"Not a chance, because the moment I wake up, you’ll just jump out of bed and begin making breakfast," Chris answered with eyes still shut tightly.

 

Darren chuckled. "I will not. I swear."

 

"You did last time we slept together."

 

"That was something entirely different and I was embarrassed, actually."

 

Chris opened one eye and smirked. "I told you there was nothing to be embarrassed about. I liked sleeping next to you. I still like that a lot."

 

Darren let his fingers run through Chris’ hair from the neck and upwards until Chris hummed in pleasure. "See, this is so much better than breakfast."

 

"It is," Darren admitted and moved closer to peck a kiss on Chris' cheek.

 

"How are you feeling by the way?" Chris asked and looked up.

 

"I'm fucking sore, what can I say."

 

Chris hid his head in the pillow to muffle his laughter. "Oh god, I'm so sorry," he said. "I should have been gentler. But as I recall it you didn't hesitate at all!"

 

"Are you kidding me?" Darren asked and got up on one elbow. "I wanted it so bad I could taste it," he said.

 

"Me, too," Chris added and got halfway on top of Darren with a goofy smile.

 

Darren smiled back. "Speaking of recalling, do you remember rambling about how much sex we could have in the future?"

 

Chris blushed. "Um ... yea, sort of. And the thought of it still ... kind of turns me on," he said and searched for Darren's mouth. Darren teased him by turning his head in last minute. "Oh no, you're not going anywhere," Chris stated laughing and pinned him down until he caught Darren's lips and kissed him.

 

Darren sighed satisfied into it and gave access, just enjoying the tingling sensation Chris always gave him whenever they were close. "What are your plans for today?" he asked when Chris broke and just gazed at him with blue eyes going on forever.

 

"To stay here in bed with you."

 

"You can stay here for as long as you want. And not just in my bed, but in the apartment too I mean. We could get whatever stuff you need from the dorm later today."

 

A smile twitched the corner of Chris' mouth. "But it's not like I'm moving in with you, right? Because that would be a bit too soon."

 

"No, no, of cause not ... I mean ... yeah, totally too soon."

 

Chris bit his lip, teasingly. "But I would probably have to bring my computer."

 

"Sure. The table's there for you, you know."

 

"And I already have a toothbrush but other toiletries could come in handy, too."

 

"You just bring it. I can clear some space in the cabinet," Darren said eagerly.

 

"But wouldn’t that be too much _moving in_?" Chris asked and tried to hide a smile.

 

"No, not at all. It would just be easier, you know, more convenient."

 

"Ooh, you're smooth now. How about books? Can I take some books?"

 

"Absolutely. I don't have enough books as it is. It would make me look smarter," Darren answered, enjoying whatever they were doing right now.

 

"I have to bring some clothes, too," Chris continued.

 

"The more the better; less laundry days."

 

"Or ... I could wear _your_ clothes ... then you'd have to walk around naked."

 

"Oh my god. Who's being clever now, huh?" Darren said and got up on his elbows. "If I'm naked, you're naked too!"

 

Chris moved up and stole another kiss. "Says who?"

 

"I do," Darren answered, slightly distracted when Chris pushed him down again and pinned his wrists over his head. Chris' tongue found its way into his mouth and Darren closed his eyes and kissed back, completely satisfied with his position. "So you're spending most of your time here, bringing a lot of your stuff," Darren summed up when Chris had moved on to his jaw and his neck. "Isn't that kind of like moving in?"

 

No, not at all," Chris stated and moved down to his nipples, taking his time with each one.

 

Darren felt a familiar rush of desire sending blood down south. "Well ... I'm glad we're cleared on ... that part ... and had this conversation," he whimpered.

 

"You're talking too much, Dare."

 

"God Chris ... that is just soo ... "

 

"I know," Chris said and moved further down.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you've enjoyed the story, the music and the poster. Reviews are what writers breathe - so please leave a message if you feel like it ;)
> 
> You can also check out my first CrissColfer story - Never Say Never


End file.
